Delonte or Smoove, Part II
Last week marked the launch of a sure-to-be-short-lived column pitting the seductive wiles of new Sonics guard Delonte "Smoove D" West versus Onion romance columnist Smoove B. Following are actual quotes lifted from the web-based pontifications of both brothers. In the comments section, tell us who said what, just like last time:
A. "I will pay for the meal with my Gold Visa, and we will then go to my place and retire to le boudoir, which is French for 'my bedroom.' There, as the music of Peabo Bryson plays, I will hit you doggy-style all night long. The next morning, I will serve you breakfast in bed, featuring eggs, two kinds of meat, toast, and your choice of hash browns or grits. You will also receive a tumbler of orange juice. Aw, girl. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have gazed upon you, the most lovely rose in all of creation. In my mind, I am envisioning you right now. I am envisioning you laughing warmly at my every witticism, returning my loving gazes, and whispering in my ear. The various items you are whispering involve the freak-nasty things we will do together following our meal. I am also envisioning you hitting the uppermost dimension of ecstasy as I propel you through the universe of my love aboard the spaceship of my strong back, with myself as the captain of this cosmic journey through the sexual stratosphere to our passion meteor."
B. "So, where we going then? You know, with the female readers, I might get me a superstar off this one. I might get me Beyonce or something. OK, now listen to this, so put this in there, OK, so from driving the car, let's be real. I started off wining and dining and Rico Suave-ing it, then I'm going to have to hold to it and realistically, she's not going to get that every day. OK, so we'll be chilling in my SL on a nice hot day, we're going to let the day play out. But we have on all white, so we have to do something special."
C. "In the morning, I will make you waffles that have chocolate chips embedded in them. There will coffee waiting for you, and there will also be a cup with cream and two sugars, just the way you like it, cooling on the breakfast bar. If you want toast, I will make it for you and offer you a staggering array of exotic French jams."
D. "We'll pull up at the docks and got a guy waiting for us, open our door up and we walk down a lit-up dock and onto the yacht, where we have dinner set up on the boat and we just cruise out on the water. Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine. While we're eating, have a singer. Who should I have?"
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