How to Throw a House Party, According to Seattle's Biggest Sports Franchises

June brings many reasons to celebrate: the beginning of summer, the end of the school year, and, if we’re lucky, designated hitter Jose Vidro’s fourth home run of the season. But with an abundance of celebration “why”s, it’s time to take a look at the “how”s. If you’ve been following the Sonics trial, you’ve heard a lot of talk lately about the cultural value of sports franchises. Today we take a look at our city’s three largest franchises and what they can show us about getting down. As you'll see, it takes more than just six dollar plastic bottles of Miller Lite and a P.A. system that'll play "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" to really get a party hopping:

How to throw a house party, Mariners style:
-Pre-funk with Kool-Aid, say "this will be the best party ever!"
-Buy cases of Busch for $40 each, call it Pyramid.
-Compose guest list of dudes who were hard partiers ten years ago or who partied really hard one time a long time ago.
-Enforce strict no girl-on-girl kissing policy.
-Blame guests for not partying hard enough.
-Drink O'Doul's, proclaim self drunk.
-Send the bill to that Nintendo dude.
-Retract the Roof!

Anyone seen Boonie?

How to throw a house party, Sonics style:
-Guest of Honor not old enough to drink.
-Threaten to move party to Oklahoma City.
-Don't advertise party.
-When nobody shows up, use that as excuse to try to move party to Oklahoma City.
-Exchange e-mails with other party planners, proclaim self 'possessed' by idea of moving party to Oklahoma City.
-File lawsuit to move party to Oklahoma City.
-Hire bouncers to defend party from gay marriage.
-Watch Doogie Howser re-runs, make Sam Presti repeat Doogie's lines.

"If you have a problem with that, I can get you someone who's older but not as smart as me."

How to throw a house party, Seahawks style:
-Get Paul Allen to sponsor party (bonus points if you can ride the SLUT there).
-Obtain public funding for venue with acoustic design to maximize noise.
-Keg stands with Blitz!

-Mike Holmgren as DJ (he already has the headphones). He will pull aside those leaving the dance floor and exhort them to “leave it all on the f---ing floor!”
-Watch lots of film.
-Enlist scouts to find guests with "good bubbles"
-Be competent, become default party when Sonics and Mariners parties suck.