When my friends Anthony and Mary got married last September, I had the great honor of helping to officiate the ceremony. Nevertheless, I wasn’t my first choice. Legendary ABC college football announcer Keith Jackson was. I figured, whose voice says “exciting Saturday in September” more than his? (If I had to choose someone to call a wedding night, it would of course be Bill Raftery, spouter of spectacular ejaculations (Onions! Nylon! A little lingerie!) and coiner of this column’s title, “The bounce to ecstasy!”)

That we become conditioned to associate the voices of our favorite sportscasters with happy experiences is no novel observation. In Seattle we’ve been lucky to have some particularly good game-callers--local treasures like the Bobs (Rondeau and Blackburn) and jovial Cliff Clavin-channeler Ron Fairly join big names like Jackson, a Wazzu alum who sharpened his broadcast teeth on Washington Huskies and Seattle Rainiers games, and Dave Niehaus, now in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

But one broadcaster deserves the title of Seattle’s favorite: Kevin Calabro. He has chosen city over duckets, flown high the "fuck you" flag so that it can be seen from Clay Bennett’s offices in Oklahoma City and David Stern’s in New York, and now signed on to be the play-by-play voice of Sounders FC. As Mike Seely notes, there might not be another example in sports where fan excitement over the signing of a team’s announcer matched or exceeded excitement over the team itself.

Of course, loyalty’s not the only, or even the primary, reason to love Calabro. Where most sportscasters win fans with folksiness and others try mightily to flaunt wit and erudition, Calabro coolly narrates the game while tossing off brilliant, allusive catchphrases with uncanny ease.

A quick survey of some of his famous calls reveals a familiarity with George Clinton (Get up for the down stroke!), Stanley Kubrick (Flying chickens in the barnyard!), French oaths (Sacre bleu!), oft-cited but rarely practiced sexual maneuvers (Two in the cake, one in the pudding—Brent Barry with the shocker!), and the Book of One Thousand and One Nights (Ali Baba, that Kemp is strong!). (In fairness to Calabro, he says he wasn’t familiar with the meaning of “shocker” when he made the Barry call.)

He’s well-read but not bookish, hip but not smug, clever but never over eager. When looking to cast someone as Calabro in the imaginary Major League IV, it seemed only a rapper could fit the bill of effortless, mellifluous cool. (In the end, I went with Lil Wayne.)

Can the bard of the hardwood make the switch to the pitch? Can the balding baritone bring the shocker to soccer? Sonics fans may be hopeful. Soccer fans may be skeptical. I think he’s simply too good to fail.