Dear Paul Allen: Go For Bolt!

Photo by Phil McElhinney, used under Creative Commons license.

Dear Paul,

This year’s Seahawks offense doesn’t look promising. Hasselbeck’s back aches. The line's a question mark. The debate at running back is too underwhelming to be called a controversy. Mike Holmgren looks more like Wilford Brimley with each passing day.

Speaking of passing, the receiving corps inspires about as much confidence as Vista. (We can make these jokes now that you no longer hang out with those dorks in Redmond, right?) The leader, Bobby Engram, is 35 years old, disgruntled, and has a cracked shoulder; Courtney Taylor lacks elite speed; and Deion Branch is coming off of ACL surgery. As for Nate Burleson, it always feels like he and his "poison pill" contract are the K-Fed to Steve Hutchinson’s Justin T. Since we won’t be bringing sexy back anytime soon, I have an idea:

Sign Usain Bolt! Have you seen this guy? He’s 6’5” and makes world-class sprinters look like second-string corners. He’s only 21 and has a frame that could easily add 20 pounds. He’s ripe for nicknames, from Lightning to Insane. And he knows how to celebrate. Dude set a world record in the 100 while pounding his chest and preening across the finish line. The Hawks could use a little ocho-cinco, and the NFL could always use a little more, especially now that ocho-cinco is turning tres-cero.

Sure, he’ll have a lot to learn. And he’s not a fast starter. And Renaldo Nehemiah didn’t pan out. And it'll take some salary cap wrangling. It’ll be an expensive, gimmicky move, but it could turn into something really cool. Kind of like the SLUT.

So what do you say, Paul? The web’s abuzz with Bolt-to-the-gridiron speculation, so you better act fast.

Sincerely,
A Hopeful Fan