Know Your Is(a)iah Thomases

Upon hearing the name Isaiah Thomas, most people think of the famous Detroit Pistons’ point guard, whose name was actually spelled ‘Isiah’. But devout Husky fans might think first of the freshman many expect to return UW men’s basketball to its previous level of excellence. And old-timers might think only of the publisher and American Revolutionary. To minimize your confusion, Dear Reader, we provide you with the following guide. Now you, too, can know your Is(a)iah Thomases.

Thomas is described as "strikingly handsome" by his biographer, Clifford K. Shipton.

Isaiah Thomas, 1749 - 1831
Training: Apprenticed at the age of seven to the printer Zechariah Fowle, who was “unstable and irritable,” according to the biography, Isaiah Thomas: Printer, Patriot, and Philanthropist, by Clifford K. Shipton.
Punishment Endured: Fowle was too lazy to discipline Thomas.
Declaration of Independence: Thomas is famous for performing the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. However, he first declared his own independence by walking out on his apprenticeship with Fowle at the age of sixteen.
Accomplishments: Performed the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Reported on the battles of Lexinton and Concord. Published a semi-weekly newspaper called the Massachusetts Spy. Founded the American Antiquarian Society, devoted to preserving the antiquities of America.
Achilles Heel: Headstrong personality.
Future prospects: Dim.

We're baffled, too, Mr. Thomas.

Isiah Thomas 1961 -
Training: Coached in college by Bob Knight, who was widely known for being unstable and irritable.
Punishment Endured: Knight kicked Thomas out of practice on a regular basis.
Declaration of Independence: Having withstood two years of Knight’s abrasive coaching, Thomas left college in 1981 for the greenback pastures of the NBA, enabling him to provide for his previously poor family. (At an alumni dinner the next year, Thomas made Knight uncomfortable by recounting the coach’s use of the term “sunt.”)
Accomplishments: Won two NBA championships with the Detroit Pistons and made multiple All-Star appearances. Considered one of the best point guards of all time. His great success as a player is nearly matched by his failure as a manager. As General Manager and then coach of the New York Knicks, he presided over a stretch of epic dysfunction and profligate spending, capped by the organization’s loss in an $11.6 million sexual harassment suit over Thomas’ behavior.
Achilles Heel: Overweight big men. Overpaid former stars. Sexual harassment trials.
Future Prospects: Reputation is down, but Thomas has a keen eye for young talent and a knack for landing in good situations.

His future's so bright, we had to photoshop in some shades.

Isaiah Thomas 1989? -
Training: Apprenticed to himself. According to a Facebook post by a reliable friend of the author, 12-year-old Isaiah Thomas dominated high school and college kids at a Tacoma Bally’s Fitness. His more senior competitors rolled their eyes when he informed them of his name. He has since been taken under the wings of Lorenzo Romar, Nate Robinson, and Jamal Crawford.
Punishment Endured: Romar pulled Thomas from the starting lineup for showing up to pre-game warmups one minute late because he was having his ankles taped.
Declaration of Independence: At age 17, Thomas left his family and his hometown of Tacoma to attend South Kent School in Connecticut.
Accomplishments: Posted better high school numbers than Isiah Thomas. Averaged over 40 points per game in the state high school tournament. Jumped over a 6’9” teammate for a dunk in practice.
Achilles Heel: Errant jump shots, cheap fouls, Strawberry Pop-Tarts.
Prospects: The name doesn’t lie, Dawg fans. This pup is headed for greatness.

Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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