72 Predictions for Seattle Sports in 2009
Categories: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!
2008, as we all know, has been a pretty miserable year for Seattle sports. Perhaps the worst sports year for any city ever. But fret not, fellow fans. With 2008 drawing to a close, I took a look in my crystal ball and found that things are (mostly) looking up for '09. More specifically...
1. The Mariners will lose fewer than 100 games.
2. Brandon Morrow will win more than ten games.
3. A USS Mariner post by Dave Cameron will help Morrow identify the flaws in his pitch selection.
4. Felix Hernandez will get fewer Cy Young votes than he deserves because his win/loss record will fail to reflect his dominant pitching.
5. Remembering how he was robbed of the award in 2001, Freddy Garcia will angrily throw a beer can at the television.
6. Jack Zduriencik will try and fail to retroactively insert a weight clause into Carlos Silva's contract
7. Silva will look marginally better because of the team's improved defense
8. Silva will lose a foot race to Big Lo.
9. He will blame the loss on his teammates.
10. He will continue referring to himself as "Chief." Each time he does so, Freddy Garcia will angrily throw a beer can at the television.
11. Rather than make money in Europe, UW alum Will Conroy will continue to toil for the Tulsa 66ers, hoping to earn the coveted GATORADE call-up.
12. Once again, he will be a D-League All-Star.
13. Jon Brockman will draw comparisons to A.C. Green for his rebounding and virginity prowess.
14. His rebounding average will nevertheless decline with the emergence of Matthew Bryan-Amaning and Darnell Gant.
15. The UW men's team will return to the NCAA tournament.
16. They'll win their first-round game.
17. They'll win their second-round game.
18. They'll lose, once again, in the Sweet 16.
19. A shot of Brockman excitedly waving a towel will be included in CBS's "One Shining Moment" montage following the championship game.
20. Brockman will be cast in the role of Ricky Roe in the yet-to-be-announced remake of Blue Chips.
21. Jeff Swanson will replace Nick Nolte as Coach Bell.
22. An NFL team will invite Brockman to try out.
23. He'll pursue his hoop dreams instead.
24. And end up joining Will Conroy in the D-League
25. Ichiro will extend his record of most consecutive seasons of 200 or more hits to nine.
26. He will also extend his record-setting streak of games played by a fast outfileder without diving for a ball.
27. The Deja Vu strip club will open near Safeco Field, resulting in the wholesale corruption of Seattle youth en route to their "public park or community center".
28. This will happen because, for some reason, the Mariners will lose their argument that a facility is public if it was built with public money
29. Silva will be charged extra for his lap dances on account of his corpulence creating the equivalent of "two laps."
30. Fans will be able to get a Deja Vu experience inside the stadium when Miguel Batista continues to suck.
31. Miguel Batista will continue to suck.
32. Kenji Johjima will assume Jay Buhner's mantle as the designated photo-shoot ass-grabber.
33. The Seattle School District will fine the Wroten family after one of the investigators tailing Tony Jr. finds recylables in the family's garbage can.
34. The name Matthew Bryan-Amaning will begin appearing on NBA draft sites
35. Cameron Dollar will get his first head-coaching gig.
36. Seneca Wallace will start more games than Matt Hasselbeck.
37. Nevertheless, Hasselbeck will score an endorsement deal with the German beer Haake Beck.
38. Mike Holmgren will score an endorsement deal with Quaker Oatmeal.
39. Wallace will make year-end highlight reels by receiving a deep touchdown pass on a double-reverse flea-flicker that will thereafter be known as "Quantum of Wallace."
40. Because he did such an awesome job with the secondary, Jim Mora will move up to coach the entire Seahawks team.
41. In keeping with the "Everything in 2008 Seattle Sports is Cursed" theme, the Huskies' women's championship cross-country season will become the subject of controversy when it's revealed that boosters gave runners cash payments and Escalades.
42. Star runners Christine Babcock and Kendra Schaaf will turn pro in the aftermath.
43. Lou Piniella will appear on Dancing with the Stars.
44. After a bad performance, he'll kick his top hat in frustration.
45. Jake Locker will continue to secretly wish he'd never chosen Washington.
46. He will break Marques Tuiasosopo's record for total offense in one game.
47. D'Andre Goodwin will have the first 1,000 yard season by a Husky receiver since Reggie Williams in 2003.
48. Husky fans will be overheard explaining to their bewildered children, "that's called tackling."
49. Young hoopsters will begin shaving lines on just one side of their head to be like Brandon Roy.
50. Nate Robinson will have his first professional 40-point game.
51. In February, he'll shock the world and reclaim his NBA Dunk Contest title by reprising Nick Collison's cartwheel dunk from the McDonald's All-American contest.
52. Quincy Pondexter will come close a triple-double at least once.
53. In one fast-paced, PAC-10 league game, Quincy Pondexter will perform a series of jaw-dropping open-court moves that have scouts and less jaded Husky fans convinced he's about to turn the metaphorical corner.
54. He will fluster those same fans and scouts with subsequent displays of remarkably poor decision-making and footwork.
55. Adrian Beltre will continue to appeal to the third base umpire after his checked swings, for no apparent reason.
56. He'll hit 30 home runs, leading Mariners fans to finally begin to appreciate just how excellent he is.
57. Jose Lopez will have his first 100 RBI season.
58. Shaun Alexander will finally open the Alabama megachurch Seely's been predicting for him.
59. Thus will begin an intriguing situation in which Alexander is poised to become a high profile opponent or unlikely supporter of the 2014 Alabama gubernatorial bid of conservative-Christian-basher and fellow former-pro athlete Charles Barkley.
60. Sue Bird will regain her three-point stroke.
61. The NBA Sixth Man award will be a battle between Franklin (Jason Terry) and Rainier Beach (Nate Robinson)
62. Robinson and Terry will bet several hundred dollars on the January 23rd game between their powerhouse high school hoop alma maters.
63. Rainier Beach will prevail in a squeeker.
64. After Terry fails to pay Robinson in a timely manner, Robinson will sneak into the Dallas Mavericks locker room and jump Terry in the shower.
65. Jamal Crawford (6'5", 200) will play power forward in one of Don Nelson's lineups.
66. The Husky band will get with the program and play "Hungry Like The Wolf" whenever Joe Wolfinger checks into games.
67. It will also begin playing the Jaws song at football games in honor of "Sark the Shark."
68. Lorenzo Romar will snatch several high-profile recruits from the jaws of opposing coaches who are less fun to play for.
69. Isaiah Thomas will injure his left hand over the summer, be forced to practice exclusively with his right, and become an ambidextrous terror with an NBA future.
70. By the end of 2009, he will be on a pace that will place him within striking distance of Christian Welp's record as the Huskies all-time leading scorer.
71. Carlos Silva will be Jabba the Hut for Halloween
72. I will begin dominating pick-up basketball games after learning to maximize my explosiveness and power under the tutelage of Ryan Appleby.
1. The Mariners will lose fewer than 100 games.
2. Brandon Morrow will win more than ten games.
3. A USS Mariner post by Dave Cameron will help Morrow identify the flaws in his pitch selection.
4. Felix Hernandez will get fewer Cy Young votes than he deserves because his win/loss record will fail to reflect his dominant pitching.
5. Remembering how he was robbed of the award in 2001, Freddy Garcia will angrily throw a beer can at the television.6. Jack Zduriencik will try and fail to retroactively insert a weight clause into Carlos Silva's contract
7. Silva will look marginally better because of the team's improved defense
8. Silva will lose a foot race to Big Lo.
9. He will blame the loss on his teammates.
10. He will continue referring to himself as "Chief." Each time he does so, Freddy Garcia will angrily throw a beer can at the television.
11. Rather than make money in Europe, UW alum Will Conroy will continue to toil for the Tulsa 66ers, hoping to earn the coveted GATORADE call-up.
12. Once again, he will be a D-League All-Star.
13. Jon Brockman will draw comparisons to A.C. Green for his rebounding and virginity prowess.
14. His rebounding average will nevertheless decline with the emergence of Matthew Bryan-Amaning and Darnell Gant.
15. The UW men's team will return to the NCAA tournament.
16. They'll win their first-round game.
17. They'll win their second-round game.
18. They'll lose, once again, in the Sweet 16.
19. A shot of Brockman excitedly waving a towel will be included in CBS's "One Shining Moment" montage following the championship game.
20. Brockman will be cast in the role of Ricky Roe in the yet-to-be-announced remake of Blue Chips.
21. Jeff Swanson will replace Nick Nolte as Coach Bell.
22. An NFL team will invite Brockman to try out.
23. He'll pursue his hoop dreams instead.
24. And end up joining Will Conroy in the D-League
25. Ichiro will extend his record of most consecutive seasons of 200 or more hits to nine.
26. He will also extend his record-setting streak of games played by a fast outfileder without diving for a ball.
27. The Deja Vu strip club will open near Safeco Field, resulting in the wholesale corruption of Seattle youth en route to their "public park or community center".
28. This will happen because, for some reason, the Mariners will lose their argument that a facility is public if it was built with public money
29. Silva will be charged extra for his lap dances on account of his corpulence creating the equivalent of "two laps."
30. Fans will be able to get a Deja Vu experience inside the stadium when Miguel Batista continues to suck.
31. Miguel Batista will continue to suck.
32. Kenji Johjima will assume Jay Buhner's mantle as the designated photo-shoot ass-grabber. 33. The Seattle School District will fine the Wroten family after one of the investigators tailing Tony Jr. finds recylables in the family's garbage can.
34. The name Matthew Bryan-Amaning will begin appearing on NBA draft sites
35. Cameron Dollar will get his first head-coaching gig.
36. Seneca Wallace will start more games than Matt Hasselbeck.
37. Nevertheless, Hasselbeck will score an endorsement deal with the German beer Haake Beck.
38. Mike Holmgren will score an endorsement deal with Quaker Oatmeal.
39. Wallace will make year-end highlight reels by receiving a deep touchdown pass on a double-reverse flea-flicker that will thereafter be known as "Quantum of Wallace."
40. Because he did such an awesome job with the secondary, Jim Mora will move up to coach the entire Seahawks team.
41. In keeping with the "Everything in 2008 Seattle Sports is Cursed" theme, the Huskies' women's championship cross-country season will become the subject of controversy when it's revealed that boosters gave runners cash payments and Escalades.
42. Star runners Christine Babcock and Kendra Schaaf will turn pro in the aftermath.
43. Lou Piniella will appear on Dancing with the Stars.
44. After a bad performance, he'll kick his top hat in frustration.
45. Jake Locker will continue to secretly wish he'd never chosen Washington.
46. He will break Marques Tuiasosopo's record for total offense in one game.
47. D'Andre Goodwin will have the first 1,000 yard season by a Husky receiver since Reggie Williams in 2003.
48. Husky fans will be overheard explaining to their bewildered children, "that's called tackling."
49. Young hoopsters will begin shaving lines on just one side of their head to be like Brandon Roy.
50. Nate Robinson will have his first professional 40-point game.
51. In February, he'll shock the world and reclaim his NBA Dunk Contest title by reprising Nick Collison's cartwheel dunk from the McDonald's All-American contest.
52. Quincy Pondexter will come close a triple-double at least once.
53. In one fast-paced, PAC-10 league game, Quincy Pondexter will perform a series of jaw-dropping open-court moves that have scouts and less jaded Husky fans convinced he's about to turn the metaphorical corner.
54. He will fluster those same fans and scouts with subsequent displays of remarkably poor decision-making and footwork.
55. Adrian Beltre will continue to appeal to the third base umpire after his checked swings, for no apparent reason.
56. He'll hit 30 home runs, leading Mariners fans to finally begin to appreciate just how excellent he is.
57. Jose Lopez will have his first 100 RBI season.
58. Shaun Alexander will finally open the Alabama megachurch Seely's been predicting for him.
59. Thus will begin an intriguing situation in which Alexander is poised to become a high profile opponent or unlikely supporter of the 2014 Alabama gubernatorial bid of conservative-Christian-basher and fellow former-pro athlete Charles Barkley.
60. Sue Bird will regain her three-point stroke.
61. The NBA Sixth Man award will be a battle between Franklin (Jason Terry) and Rainier Beach (Nate Robinson)
62. Robinson and Terry will bet several hundred dollars on the January 23rd game between their powerhouse high school hoop alma maters.
63. Rainier Beach will prevail in a squeeker.
64. After Terry fails to pay Robinson in a timely manner, Robinson will sneak into the Dallas Mavericks locker room and jump Terry in the shower.
65. Jamal Crawford (6'5", 200) will play power forward in one of Don Nelson's lineups.
66. The Husky band will get with the program and play "Hungry Like The Wolf" whenever Joe Wolfinger checks into games.
67. It will also begin playing the Jaws song at football games in honor of "Sark the Shark."
68. Lorenzo Romar will snatch several high-profile recruits from the jaws of opposing coaches who are less fun to play for.
69. Isaiah Thomas will injure his left hand over the summer, be forced to practice exclusively with his right, and become an ambidextrous terror with an NBA future.
70. By the end of 2009, he will be on a pace that will place him within striking distance of Christian Welp's record as the Huskies all-time leading scorer.
71. Carlos Silva will be Jabba the Hut for Halloween
72. I will begin dominating pick-up basketball games after learning to maximize my explosiveness and power under the tutelage of Ryan Appleby.
Write Comment
Email to Friend
Print Article
