5 Biggest Super Bowl Sideshows

Tim Tebow wears his beliefs on his sleeve. And under his eyes. And in between his mouth and nose ...

The Super Bowl is the biggest spectacle in American sports. And possibly American anything.

But much of the big game's appeal has nothing to do with what takes place on the field. So in honor of that fact, here are the five most interesting sideshows going into Sunday.

Ain't no party like Luther Campbell in a hot tub.

It's a prerequisite that every Super Bowl take place somewhere sunny and lawless. In other words, either New Orleans or Miami. For a taste of what it means to have hundreds of young athletes with money to burn descend on a town ready to take their cash and feed their id, here's Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew infamy with his guide to South Beach nightlife:

"You gotta start out at the beach. You know it's legal for the girls to be topless here, right? Chill there for a while, soak it all in. That'll put you in the right mood. Wet Willie's during the day is the jump-off spot. Everybody be there, chillin', hangin' out. Then you hit happy hour at the strip club. We have two of the greatest in the world, Tootsie's on 183rd and King of Diamonds. KOD gonna be crazy all week. Lotta [NFL] players will be up in there.

After that, meal time is important. You don't have to go to some fancy place in South Beach. Keep it simple--gotta fill your stomach up with some rice, some potatoes, some s--- like that, so you cool when the alcohol hits. Then you go to the club. Not a strip club, a regular club, place like Club Cameo. Don't be there at 11 or 12. That's when the tourists show up. Three's about right. Hang at the club for a while, but don't sit in the chair, or they'll know you a tourist. Sit on the back of the chair, or stand up on it. Wave your bottle around. That's how we do. Then maybe around five or six, it's back to the strip club. Sleep in, and then do it all over again the next day."

"Lemon for the win!"

If sports gambling were legal outside of Las Vegas, these might be some of the things you and your buddies could bet on during the game. Not that you would:

-- How long it will take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem (Line: 1 minute, 42 seconds)
-- Coin toss, head or tails
-- First ad shown after kickoff (Either beer or trucks)
-- Which CBS show will get the most promos during the game (Front-runner: "CSI: Miami" 7/2)
-- Color of Gatorade poured on winning coach (Line: Yellow, even odds)
-- Who the Super Bowl MVP will thank first (Toss-up between God and teammates)

Greetings from Florida!

Sure, there's nothing new about fossilized rock stars cashing in on a three-song medley in-between halves. (See: Bruce Springsteen, Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, etc. etc.) But an extra wrinkle this year comes courtesy of a Florida child advocacy group that printed and distributed 1,000 "sex offender advisory" postcards in lieu of Who guitarist Pete Townshend's visit to the Sunshine State.

Townshend was arrested in 2003 for looking at kiddie porn. He argued the images were just research for a memoir about his experience being abused as a child. And London police never pressed charges.

Chances are pretty slim that the arm-wheeling axeman will use a lull between "Baba O'Riley" and "My Generation" to go prowling. But I guess some people think you can never be too careful.

2) Alternative programming

Competing against the Super Bowl used to be considered a fool's errand. But somewhere down the line, possibly beginning when Fox's sketchy "In Living Color" aired its first halftime show, networks began to realize that since 100 million people were willing to turn on their TVs on a Sunday night, it might be worth their time to convince a small segment of that huge population to flip the channel.

Now, your average viewer has options galore. From the scandalous Lingerie Bowl to the ... uh ... ahh, who am I kidding. There's only one thing worth tuning into if you're not gonna watch Colts-Saints.

Puppeh Bowl!

I'm sure if we just sit down and talk this over ...

He's not playing in the Super Bowl. He's not even in the NFL yet. But Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is the story of the Super Bowl thus far, thanks to his commercial debut in a 30-second Focus on the Family-funded pro-choice spot.

The Tebow ad has turned normally apoplectic advocacy groups into even twitchier versions of themselves. As this glorious takedown from The Washington Post's Sally Jenkins demonstrates, there have been no limits to the levels of hyperbole or hypocrisy that offended groups like the National Organization of Women have been willing to stoop to in order to voice their outrage.

Forget for a minute that the ad apparently never even mentions the word "abortion." We're talking about the third rail of American discourse here. Divisive and endlessly fascinating, there's only one game that could overshadow this spectacle. Thankfully, that's the one being played on Sunday.