The Five Best Beards in Politics

PubliCola

Um, Greg? You missed a spot.

​When Greg Nickels left the mayor's office in January, he took a path familiar to many ex-politicans. He fled the city, took refuge in academia and grew a beard.

Whether Nickels's Ewokian look is flattering or not is up for debate. But whether it's a good idea for a politician to let the facial follicles flow is not.

Unlike in centuries past, when a deluxe flavor savor was practically a prerequisite for holding office, today's bearded politicians face an uphill battle: Voters trust them less than clean-shaven candidates. A form of discrimination some refer to as beardism.

Sure, Nickels's replacement, Mayor Mike McGinn, may sport some cheek-shag of his own. But he's the furry exception, not the rule.

Here now, the five best beards in the last 50 years of politics.

Bush made him do it.

​Beard Owner: Al Gore
Beard Type: Thinning. Not unlike Earth's polar ice caps.
Why He Grew It: He lost some election. For...president, I wanna say? What am I, a historian or something?
What the Beard Says About the Man: Gore's wooly-mammoth look was the first clue that there may have been more lurking behind the wooden caricature of the Vice President. A hinted-at depth later confirmed by his second act as an environmental crusader and an SNL funnyman.

That's a funny looking cigarette.

​Beard Owner: Che Guevara
Beard Type: Patchy. Like the lawn of a man interrupted mid-mow by an important phone call.
Why He Grew It: It's hard to find a Mach III when you're holed up in the Bolivian jungle.
What the Beard Says About the Man: Unkempt and missing key parts, Guevara's chin-pubes are a metaphor for the muddled legacy he left behind. A really, really shitty metaphor.

Fact: hair makes man jowls look less jowly.

​Beard Owner: Robert Bork
Beard Type: Chin strap/Koosh ball combo.
Why He Grew It: As a masochist, Bork wasn't satisfied with just having a funny-sounding last name. Hence the creepy Colonel Sanders look.
What the Beard Says About the Man:The former Supreme Court nominee is technically not a politician. But his manicured look means he's certainly got the "draw attention to yourself by any means necessary" pedigree to run for public office.

He's 1/10th ginger kid.

​Beard Owner: Mike McGinn
Beard Type: Evenly-distributed. Reddishly-hued. Mildly Viking-ish.
Why He Grew It: It's a conversation starter. And boy, does this man love starting conversations.
What the Beard Says About the Man: Very little actually. It's mainly just there to keep his face from freezing whilst speeding along on the mayoral Huffy.

Fidel actually hates cigars. It's his beard that's addicted.

​Beard Owner: Fidel Castro
Beard Type: Bird's nest. For a condor. A freakishly large, mutated-by-a-uranium-spill condor.
Why He Grew It: What's more socialist than having a beard big enough for a whole country to squat in?
What the Beard Says About the Man: El Comandante is nothing if not giving. Which is why every Easter he hosts an egg hunt for all of Havana's orphans, strictly within the confines of his massive hirsute headdress.