Garrett Olson Is the Worst Pitcher in Baseball History

Think this headline was written in a fit of alcoholic rage after Olson gave up two runs in the 13th inning last night, thus squandering a ferocious bottom-of-the-ninth Mariner comeback to deadlock the game at six runs apiece?

Think again.

Garrett Olson has a career 6.40 ERA, which begs the question: Why does Garrett Olson have a career? Sure, he's a good-looking blonde guy whom women probably want to fuck, but if that were the criteria for making a major-league roster, Brody Jenner--and not David Taardsma--would be the M's closer right now. (Wait, is Taardsma still the M's closer? We can't figure that one out.)

This year, his fourth in the majors, Olson has a 5.52 ERA. That's actually his career-best. In the post-steroidal "year of the pitcher," where ERAs over four are highly suspect, that Olson and his 85 mph fastball are donning a big-league uniform is a crime against Bobby Ayala. And I haven't checked the Baseball Encyclopedia lately, but if there's ever been a pitcher out there who posted a career ERA over six in four seasons or more, I'd like to hit against him, or at least his ghost.

Closing credits: Thank you, USS Mariner, for inspiring this rant with your brilliant takedown of Jose Lopez yesterday. Also, it's high-time the M's returned Ryan Rowland-Smith to mop-up duty. Maybe they should give Olson his spot in the rotation.