Just Who Is This Spam Bodyguard, and Is He Fixing to Kick Gmail's Ass?

But really, just what the fuck is a "spam bodyguard?"

"Spam filter" we get--it doesn't let stuff slip into your bloodstream that shouldn't, like a coffee filter, or a public relations specialist. We'd accept "spam guard" as well: Virtually, this entity would politely stop spam at your front gate and send it back into the hi-speed ether.

But "bodyguard" implies that you're going to get your ass kicked. And does anyone really believe Hotmail's bodyguard can beat up Gmail?

Actually, I can, because Gmail has never advertised itself as a retired Secret Service agent who's entered the pay-to-prey private sector at Whitney Houston's behest. Would a 21st-Century reimagining of that film feature the Spam Bodyguard gunning down an erectile dysfunction email with an Uzi before the diva has a chance to flip on her laptop? And is he going to bone his client, as K-Cos did? We knew Hotmail was free, but we didn't know it was into free love.

And what happens when you head out for a night on the town? Will the Spam Bodyguard get you past the velvet rope? Will he beat the snot out of Situation-lookin' tools who're fixing to get up on you? That'd be a welcome service, but Guidos and Spam are not one and the same.

Spam is far more tolerable.