Today in Sex: People Just Ain't Procreating Like They Used To

Statisticians are chalking this downturn in births up to the recession. Meaning these professional smartypants believe that less money means people are thinking sensibly and not having babies they can't afford to feed. (They've obviously never seen an episode of "Teen Mom"--aka, the most effective birth control method ever invented--because these kids don't have shit and they're still pushing them out.) But maybe it's not because parents can't afford to their feed their babies. Maybe it's because they've figured out once you get over seeing his eyes and Aunt Mitzi's nose on an eight-pound bag of squealing flesh, babies are, well, kind of boring.

Before you get all mad--I'm not the one who came up with the boredom angle, though admittedly, I'm usually ready to shoot myself long before the 457th round of peek-a-boo. That was Professor Tanya Byron, who surveyed 2,000 British parents about their families' "play" habits. Fully one-third of the parents copped to being bored shitless playing with their kids. Luckily for these parents, only one in ten of the 2,000 children, who were also surveyed, noticed their parents' boredom.

Perhaps it was because there were five of us and we lived in a neighborhood jammed with other children, so there were never any shortage of playmates, but I don't particularly recall my parents playing with us. I don't fault them for it--that's what other kids were for. (We also had to walk ten miles to school. In the snow. Barefoot.) Maybe by putting so much pressure on themselves to be everything from teacher, to friend, to caretaker, to nutritionist, to maid, parents have sucked all the joy out of parenting and they're just too tired and depressed to have any more.