Port Angeles 'Baby Jesus Theft Ring' Terrifies Neighbors, Leaves Remaining Christ-Family Members in 'Sexually Suggestive Positions'

The concept of virginal conception means that Mary and Joseph need never have consummated their marriage in order to produce the eternal savior Jesus Christ. But with Baby Jesus stolen, Joseph, Mary, sheep, wise men, and everyone else is apparently consummating like bunny rabbits.

At least that's the case in Port Angeles where a "baby Jesus theft ring" has gripped the town with Yuletide fear.

The Penninsula Daily News reports that neighbors around town have seen their Baby Jesus statues stolen front their front-lawn Nativity scenes.

Worse, the statues left behind have often been found in "sexually suggestive positions."

[Katrina] Russell's husband had just finished building a stable for the set and added hay to complete the scene.

Since the theft, the Russells have brought the remnants of the plastic set inside.

"My husband and I are fed up," she said.

Meanwhile, somewhere, a group of kids are laughing their asses off, wondering why they wasted so much time drawing dick outlines on the dusty windows of cars.

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