The Birds, the Bees, and My Daughters
Illustration by Jessixa.
Last week, I was faced with a hurdle every parent must eventually face. You see, my wife and I have two daughters, the older one just entering middle school this year. With middle school comes the sudden pressures of acting “grown up,” looking “cool,” and talking about. . . wait for it. . . SEX. The dreaded moment has come for me as a father: the moment for THE TALK.
Somehow it got back to my wife and I that the kids at school have been joking around about sex. “What the hell does ‘joking around’ mean?!” said I. Well, apparently middle schoolers are getting pretty damn cavalier regarding the depth of carnal gossip. It seems that there is definitely a different paradigm these days, a higher bar set. Our youth are exposed to way more stuff, thanks to the World Wide Internets. Gone are the days of finding Dad’s Playboy under his mattress and getting a five-second perusal of some T and A. To add to the complexity of my personal conundrum, we have been in L.A. for the last few years (during the school year, anyway). My wife claims that the peer pressure on women here is indescribable. This peer pressure absolutely has a “trickle-down” effect on teenage girls, which of course “trickles down” even further to the preteens. This peer pressure has everything to do with outward appearances and NOTHING to do with intellect and soul. . . well, that’s my opinion anyway.
There are so many great kid-friendly Web sites these days that I would find it somewhat archaic to ban my kids from computer usage. Of course the downside is that 80 percent of Internet content is porn, and it only takes one wrong move for a child to suddenly access all kinds of stuff they just shouldn’t see. My kids use the computer to do homework, communicate with their friends, and access all kinds of new music on YouTube. But again, how does a parent keep on top of everything they see? The new unspoken parenting rule is to only let your kids use the computer when you are in the same room with them. . . it’s just not possible, though. My girls are really awesome and kind and would really feel embarrassed to see anything they shouldn’t on the Web, but how do I REALLY know what they have already been exposed to? In my day, you had to show ID to purchase an adult magazine. Now? It’s just a click away!
I don’t know how many people read this column, and I also don’t know if anyone who reads this is a parent, but let me tell you guys something: Apparently, oral sex in middle school is approached as nonchalantly as maybe kissing was back when I was that age. There is no way my two angels are gonna be ANY part of that nonsense, believe you me! If iChat and YouTube are the new hiding places for extracurricular activities such as this, how do I find out? Fuck, my mind starts to go a million miles an hour thinking about the responsibilities and safeguards we “information age” parents have to juggle. I don’t want to spy on my kids. There HAS to be trust. They are dealing with so much more data than we did at that age. I will, however, shut down anything that brings harm to my daughters. If I were to find out that anything bad was happening, all of my Utopian hubbub would go out the window, and it would get real 1950’s in the McKagan household, and in a hurry. On top of that, I’d have my shotgun at the ready and you’d better bring an army! But I digress.
Of course I knew the day would eventually come when I would have to face the reality of my girls growing up. I really try to have an open and non-judgmental relationship with my daughters, and my goal is for them to ALWAYS feel safe coming to me with any problems or ordeals. The time, alas, had come for my wife and I to sit down and speak somewhat candidly about the “birds and bees” with our 8- and 11-year-olds. I started to sweat. “OK, McKagan family conference!” is how I always start our team meetings. The girls always get excited at the prospect of some unknown outlier that my wife or I might have in store. This time, however, when I started with “You know that you girls can tell us anything. . . ,” a slight look of dread started to spread across their faces. When I said the word “sex,” my 8-year-old started to bawl. Oh shit, this isn’t going to be easy. Things did get settled down once it was understood that no one was in trouble and that this wouldn’t be an inquisition. My older daughter really stepped up, as it were, and actually put the conversation at ease with her candor. “Yes, Dad, the older girls do talk about all of that stuff but I think that it’s pretty silly. . . they are just trying to act ‘grown up.’” The mood of the talk became lighter and our family bond became a little tighter that afternoon.
This past weekend, my wife and I had to go away, and I brought my new laptop with me. The old one is now my older daughter’s, but I haven’t gotten around to resetting any of my profiles on it. My AIM and iChat profiles show and “transmit” from both. As I was sitting down to look at some e-mail (and sports scores!), my AIM box popped up and a conversation was in full swing. It was my daughter and a bunch of her friends, completely aloof to the knowledge that I was reading their conversations from 5,000 miles away. I felt sure that I was going to see something I wasn’t supposed to, some alter-world of middle-school girls. I envisioned myself calling home to their aunt Heidi (who was staying the weekend with them) and grounding my daughters for something that I was certain to see from my newfound instant-message spy spot. The IMs remained innocent and sweet, speaking of nothing more bawdy than how cute so-and-so’s new puppy was. Boy, did I feel guilty. On second thought, maybe not guilty enough to perhaps keep my profiles in sync, for the next few years anyway.
72 comment(s)
Kris says:
Congratulations...You survived one of the most peculiar parenting moments and apparently with aplomb. Good show, Dad. We had the "recap" version ("the talk" has been ongoing in our house for years) with high-school boy recently as he becomes increasingly girl-crazy.
I tend to assume similar things...that something changed between our then and their now, but I'm not so sure that is accurate outside the information exchange. Certainly sex is more public (open? obvious?) to a younger group, but I recall plenty of untowardness during junior high, particularly by eighth grade. What I saw at that age (esp. 13 and up) certainly guides my conversations with son, but I'm not especially surprised, if dismayed, that the conversations and actions are still present in that age group. Maybe I grew up in a screwy place.
Oh, ROTFL: "alter-world of middle school girls." How true. How very true.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 5:47AM
Mizzy Diamon` says:
LAMF
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=4621380681
im 34 n still ur my idol!
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 10:51AM
Gwon says:
Great article, Duff. I have a 6.5 year old daughter and a 4y.o. son, so I'm not quite there, yet, but I am dreading it.
They're still innocent now and I fear (as you mentioned) the day when they see/hear something they shouldn't (though I think that's more my fear of what I know opposed to their non-fear of what they don't know).
Does that even make sense?
Thanks for sharing.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 11:42AM
Lori says:
Sexual education begins in the home the way mom and dad treat each other. I am 45 yrs old and realize the difference from when I was growing up until now. Today, a child can watch TV and learn more about sex within 5 mintues that took me a lot longer to figure out.
From what I read, this is the stage you are parenting by example. In a few years you will be parenting from the sideline like a coach. Hands off...let them go and cheer them on! (a tough phase) But for now they are learning their norms and standards from you. Embrace the influence you have at this time (today). Fear not...all will be well and you will survive :-)
P.S. When I faced fear as a parent was when they started to drive!
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 11:43AM
Gwon says:
Great article, Duff. I have a 6.5 year old daughter and a 4y.o. son, so I'm not quite there, yet, but I am dreading it.
They're still innocent now and I fear (as you mentioned) the day when they see/hear something they shouldn't (though I think that's more my fear of what I know opposed to their non-fear of what they don't know).
Does that even make sense?
Thanks for sharing.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 11:44AM
Melina says:
This is what I was talking about! I loved this post, really.
But, I have an observation: come on, May Marie (is the name like that?) is only 8. Poor girl, listening to this kind of conversation.
Despite of that, I have to congratulate you, and I feel truly happy to say that I admire you not just as a rock star but as a man. It was really nice to read how you feel about your girls.
I've got a silly confesion: the screen of my PC at home is a picture of you kissing one of girls and it's totally lovely.
I wish you were my dad. He trusts me but we never "talk".
Anyway, I'll be back next post.
Nice reading you.
Bye, Duff.
Melina from BS AS, Argentina.
PD. Someone will answer this: How did the 16 year-old girl from Argentina commited suicide in 1992???
I google it but no-one says HOW (shutgun, poison) she did it.
Thank you very much.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 11:47AM
michele says:
Reading your daughter's IM messages without her knowledge is SPYING, a complete betrayal of her trust. Avoid the urge to spy, and fix your accounts immediately.
What do you think would happen if you continued to read her private messages, and she said something that troubled you? What would you do, go talk to her about it? Do you really think she would continue to be open and honest with you, respect you and follow your rules and such, after you betrayed her privacy and trust in you? If so, you are completely delusional.
Teenage girls need privacy, trust and respect. If you can't handle providing those things, see a therapist.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 12:49PM
Carly says:
Yeah! Good for you Duff!!
I still have vivid memories of the day my dad gave me 'The Talk,' and as awkward as it was at the time, I thank him every day. It definately helps to know the facts, espically in high school where everyone is concerned about who is doing what with who. Having the right information has helped me keep my head and make smart and informed decisions on a topic that is frighteningly relevant among the younger population. Talking to your girls now is one of the best things you could have done. Trust me, they'll thank you later! :)
- Carly
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 12:50PM
Mad_Mama says:
It's tough to be a parent at any time. With a 14-yr-old boy in high school now, I'm just taking it as it comes. My daughter is grown, has two little boys - she was always very level-headed through school. Some wildness after college (of course), but come through it all okay. Go with your heart, keep your shotgun at the ready, and make sure they know the rules (makes it easier to figure out ways to get around them!).
All the best -
Melissa
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 1:30PM
Felyne says:
Haha you're getting your comeuppance, Duff.
Be very careful with what you're secretly reading, because when you least expect it you'll just come out and say something like 'hey you said you wanted to see that movie' and then have to talk a hundred miles an hour to explain how you know that. You've got inside knowledge that she knows she's only told certain people. It's reassurance for you at the moment, but I think the potential for disaster outweighs the momentary reassurance. Trust, easy to earn yet can dissolve in a heartbeat, and once it's gone, so hard to ever get back.
I'm not a parent so my words have no scientific backing whatsoever, but I say be a Parent (not a best friend) and like Lori says lead by example... which means being open and honest with them (Mr Sneaky IM Spy). You've got to earn trust to get trust babe.
The only thing I don't agree with Lori is "Hands off...let them go and cheer them on!" Bad, bad mental images!
Good luck!
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 1:40PM
Kris says:
Re: spying
My two cents: you can always leave the connections available, but tell both girls that they are synced and you or Mom can check at any time, should the need arise. I'm pretty upfront about such matters with the boy; I don't pretend that I am not willing to check on what's going on online (we retain passwords and the like and the computer is centrally located), but we don't check accounts or messages unless something specific comes up.
In this case, what happened is more like when mom found *those* notes in the back pocket of the jeans (ah, the non digital days of folded paper) and read them. Most were inconsequential, no doubt, but there was always the chance something she needed to step in about was in those missives.
Out of curiousity, was this the first such talk? I wonder when the "average" age is now, as compared to earlier generations...
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 2:27PM
Duff says:
I was pretty much just kidding around regarding the spying bit. I guess it struck a nerve.
I'm not sure what the average age is, but i DO know that anything that my 11 year-old hears goes STRAIGHT to the 8 year-old! It was better to have 'the talk' with both at the same time. I do appreciate all of the sage advice from the parents here. This, I am sure, will only be the first of many such conversations team McKagan will have.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 3:23PM
Lori says:
HA! The first time my son saw me pull up the history of the webpages he visited he turned white as a ghost. He thought I was the smartest computer person out there (going back 10 years when computers we a new household thing)
This I do know, it became part of his conscience and even if he was tempted "hacker mom" was lurking in the back of his mind - hee hee. The secrets of parenting are awesome!
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 4:42PM
Lori says:
Feylne, the coaching phase is high school to college when they start working, handling money, driving, seeking a career (not just in the area of sex). The understanding is coaches instruct their players from the sideline. At this phase of parent you can't do it for them.
OK HERE IS A GOOD ONE!!! My dad told me when raising my boys that I only had two penises in town to worry about. He raised us three girls and had THEM ALL to worry about! Every single one in town - Oh My! How is that for good old fashion dad advice.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 5:23PM
Neal says:
Great article Duff, and by the sounds of it you should have no problems with your girls with the respect and trust you guys share. Oh but I would like you said just keep the IM handy for a few more years, we where all young guys once.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 5:53PM
Myla S. says:
Duff,
Once again... ahhhhhhhh. Loving what you write. You and I are the same exact age.
(an aside... you were a rock star and I was growing up loving you as one, but I digress!)
I also have two daughters of almost the same age as yours and can relate to what you write about. Already these rumblings have begun at our household too. Thanks for the major reality checks... yes, I know them... but it's good to have a same age old school person confirm what I think about these wild days for our kids.
I ask myself, as an old Guns N'Roses fan (insert behavior difficulties here)... how the HECK do I explain to my kids "it was different when I was a kid"... yeahhhhhhhhh. It's different for them, too. The tech thing is very much a curse and blessing.
My kids already know who Duff is from seeing your image on various web pages I pull up about your music, etc.
"Mommy... why do those guys look so weird...." Yeah!!! One generation's weird is another's treasure!
thanks again for more heartfelt writing!
Myla S.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 6:29PM
Ricardo B. says:
I'm no parent yet, but i prefer to read the experience and avise from one of my favorite musicians than some random doctor.
Great column.
Greetings from Perú!!!
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 8:49PM
Stacy says:
I can only speak as a daughter, not as a parent, but I admire your wife and your openness with your daughters; especially about this topic and/or other topics you didn't mention, but I'm guessing you worry about as a parent. Your willingness to invite conversation about a topic that is completely embarassing to an 11 year old (at least it was when I was 11) means your daughters will be more willing to turn to you and Susan for advice than other less trustworthy or less wise sources in the future when sex stops being a weird or gross prospect.
Posted On: Thursday, Oct. 23 2008 @ 11:00PM
Katy says:
To Melina:
8 may seem young for this sort of conversation, but as Duff said and as I know from my own experience growing up what one kid knows all the others in the family will know as well. Better they hear the full story together. if only so the younger ones don't feel like they're being left out of some special "grown up" thing they'll just want to find out more about on their own.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 2:06AM
Michael says:
I'm not affiliated with this company, but I do use this on my children's laptop:
http://www.bluecoat.com/products/k9web
It's a free web filtering software package that will allow parents the ability to control what sites their kids go to. Works well although it's only for PC's. Macintosh computers have a parental control mode that I haven't really looked into, but it's built into the system.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 3:10AM
Jesse S. says:
I am really impressed with your parenting. Good luck with your family and your girls!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 3:22AM
busdrivermike says:
I just love my daughter as much as I can, and hope for the best. I would be very worried about losing my daughters' trust by reading her email. When the opportunity presents itself, I would also be too concerned about what is going on not to do it.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 3:55AM
Marcel says:
It will take some Time until my 4,5 Year old Daughter and my 10 Month old Son will get "the Talk".
But i think in the very technical Generation they grow, alas the Time to inform them about Dangers Online comes way earlier than "the Talk".
The Software Filters might apply to Porn Sites but actually i don't know if i should not be worried more about "Kids Chatrooms".
To tell a preteen not to "talk to strangers" is very easy to understand, but telling them "be aware of who you Chat with.. he/she might not be your Friend".. that is a bit more complex i think.
Well.. Time will come, and we all can only do as good as we can.. As Parents.
As of the Comment about Spying..
I am responsible for my Childrens welfare. In a World where even Adults have trouble to keep Track of all the things that go on Online.. how can we think our Kids can do it all alone?
There has to be a Balance between Trust and "keep them Save"
If i need to do a little spying on them to make sure the are not in Danger.. I will do it.
Marcel from Switzerland
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 3:59AM
Miss Cellania says:
I have 5th and 6th grade daughters, and I SO relate to how you feel. Also very glad for the way your post ended!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 4:52AM
Laurens says:
Great stuff Duff! I've been a GNR fan since the get go, and by extension also of VR.
Talking about VR, why don't you guys try out Linda Perry (http://www.lindaperry.net/) as singer?
Rock on dude!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 5:05AM
Ed Ray says:
Yes I use K9 on my children's computer.
http://www.bluecoat.com/products/k9web
Highly recommended!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 5:17AM
Jiff Jones says:
LOL, are they hot? Pictures/??
Jiff
www.online-privacy.cz.tc
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 5:18AM
Dan says:
"If you can't handle providing those things, see a therapist.
Posted yesterday at 12:49 pm by michele "
Typical know-it-all comment. Issues orders to you on how to live your life and proclaims that if you disagree then you have mental problems so massive you have to 'see a therapist'. How about 'if you can't handle how somebody else lives their life then shut up and surf somewhere else stupid'
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 5:31AM
GumsAndRosbeef says:
OMFG ! No more Sex Drugs & Rock'n'Roll... it's very very sad.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 5:44AM
Daleus says:
I watched a ted.com talk yesterday about optical illusions.
One of them was a picture of a bottle with an etching that depicted a naked man embracing a naked woman from behind.
The presenter asked the audience if anyone saw dolphins, to which there was a wave of laughter. He then pointed out that if you showed the same picture to pre-teens, they would see dolphins.
The rpesenters explanation of this phenomena was that most kids up to about grade 8, have not experienced anything to which they can reference the naked pictures, and so they see the alternate dolphins.
As your daughters exhibited, there is a *lot* of talk about sexy things, but seriously at their age the talk is more "fitting in" rather than even a surface understanding of what it all means.
I also want to point out that your bit of spying is pretty indicative of the job you have been doing as a parent.
Keeping the lines of communication open is you rmost important job. That and serving as a source of as unbiased information as you can. That means not relating to them your thoughts of banning this or that, or oiling up the shotgun.
That, afterall, is *your* problem of attitude, not theirs. If you have been the parent you seem to have been, they will get it, even if you rarely (if ever) get reassuring feedback from them.
As others have said, good job! Keep it up!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 6:55AM
Alex says:
This article has destroyed part of my vision of G n' R. You are part of the greatest rock band of a generation, and this is what you do now. blog. quit being such a queer duff.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 6:57AM
Alex says:
This article has destroyed part of my vision of G n' R. You are part of the greatest rock band of a generation, and this is what you do now. blog. quit being such a queer duff.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 6:57AM
Alex says:
This article has destroyed part of my vision of G n' R. You are part of the greatest rock band of a generation, and this is what you do now. blog. quit being such a queer duff.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 6:57AM
Clementine says:
I think you handled that very well. Just remember to trust your daughters to do the right thing. When they start dating have another talk with them, then let them make sure they know that the choice is theirs and no one elses. Make sure they realize how good self control can make them feel in the long run, and how boys will respect them (the types of boys they want to attract, anyway) if they don't automatically put out.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 7:09AM
George H. says:
Michele,
You are an idiot. You will wake up one day and your kids are gonna be all messed up and you'll wonder why.
"But I trusted them!"
And then you will probably say: "They need therapy".
Yeah right, moron.
I say, watch them like a hawk. I even tell my kids: I am watching EVERYTHING you do. So get used to it.
People like you run all cry baby to the therapist for everything.
You are an idiot. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. STFU!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 7:16AM
ZOOM says:
HEY ALEX, U R A DICK! Duff is NOT G&R, he is a great part of G&R, but more importantly, he is DAD! Get a fucking life!!!! When you becomce a parent, as I am, and have a 14 year old daughter that thinks it is ok to "date" (cuz that'sm what they call it now, even though she's not going ANYWHERE with ANYONE for a while)an 18 year old boy.
GUESS WHAT!!! With society, and my daughter's honesty with me, I have to "outwardly" be OK with it, But inside I am screaming. She is honest with me right now, and to keep that honesty, I have to respect her as a person and PRAY PRAY PRAY to God that she makes good decisions, and will talk with me before she makes life decisions!
Duff, the talk will come many more times for you in the future! You are doing a great job! Keep the conferences up, and I would keep just let them know that you have access to EVERYTHING they do on the computer and thier cell phones, as you own those items and therefore, they are yours.
I demand respect for me (as the parent) for my child to honor me while IMing or texting her friends. She respects that, and therefore my husband and I as parents.
OH, and we can thank ex-president Clinton for the way our youth view sex now!!! My daughter thought that only intercourse was sex. She says most kids think oral sex and all the bases are OK, since you can't get preganant or AIDS. Now that was a LONG talk on how IT REALLY IS!
Way to go Duff! Keep up the good parenting!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 8:24AM
Keonne says:
Well you can always monitor their computer with a product like Spector Pro or eBlaster. It records everything your child does on the computer and internet. I use it on my daughters laptop. It's like watching a digital surveillance tape of whats gone on when I wasn't there to watch them! Good Luck!!!
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 9:55AM
J says:
Look into www.opendns.com. This gives a lot of control back to you as for what is allowed on your network, and what isn't. Phishing, adware, objectionable content... And it's free. I've used it on my network(granted only my wife and I use the PC), but when friends are over surfing, it helps keep a lot of stuff off of my pc.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 10:08AM
Terry says:
The same people that baww about spying on kids are probably the same ones that demonize parents when their kids are out of control. Im a fairly new parent, 2yr old girl and 4yr old son, but am dreading the day they "grow up". And you can bet I'll be on them like a hawk. I understand there is a fine line between being overbearing and just concerned but when we live in a day when parents can be prosecuted for the actions of their child and harder and harder drugs being available to kids then yeah not only do you have a right to keep on top of your kids you have a responsibility. That said... the sad part about the sex talk is you can only do so much... The pitfalls of early or promiscuous sex can be explained but internet or not its going to happen... All you can really do it try and make sure your daughters dont end up on the internet themselves.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 10:26AM
Shannon says:
I'm still chuckling over "it's gonna get real 1950's in the McKagan household"...I am so stressed about having a child in this world--my niece is 12, and it makes me want to vomit to even THINK of anyone coming near her for...can't even say it! Thanks for sharing your family moments--it's nice to hear that these things can go well, and you can actually trust your kids. Gives us all some faith, I think.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 11:41AM
jenn says:
nowadays the talks can't start early enough. kids come in contact with everything much earlier than when we were young. even primetime television shows that are considered "family friendly" rely heavily on sexual inuendo jokes.
my son is 11 and from as far back as i can remember i have been open and honest with him about everything. you only give them as much info as they need at a time, but we've had plenty of sex talks with him already. my goal is to have him be comfortable with topics and not feel that anything is taboo. our society is so very in the closet about letting people be comfortable when it comes to anything related to sex. i hope with the approach that we've had with my son that he will feel comfortable talking to us about just about anything.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 11:44AM
Damon says:
Isn't this the world you helped create by your example to millions of kids? Contrary to Charles Barkley's wide held belief "I'm not a role model," research clearly demonstrates otherwise. You were a role model.
Of course, somebody is going to respond that I'm an idiot for suggesting GNR was the reason for today's problems...I'm not, but I am suggesting you have contributed a thread to the fabric that is our current society. What are you doing to correct it?
As a kid growing up in Generation X, I didn't recognize it, I couldn't. As a father and someone who has been working with at-risk youth the past decade I can tell you what our children are faced with is a torrent of obscenities, lies, and misinformation about who they should be, how they should act, and how they'll find happiness. That is not even mentioning the sheer amount of abuse that children are experiencing at the hands of adults.
Welcome to the jungle...dad.
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 12:23PM
Anonymous says:
Any blame to hard rock bands that influence kids negatively?
---------------------------
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 3:45PM
Robyn says:
Hi Duff,
Love reading your columns. I have to say though, I would think that having the sex talk would be a breeze for you compared with the talk about what daddy did back in the 80s and 90s when he was in Guns.
Your daughters sound like good girls, but it is inevitable that they will come up against the evils of drugs and alcohol sometime in the next few years. How are you going to tackle that one, or have you already?
Posted On: Friday, Oct. 24 2008 @ 9:57PM
justin says:
Duff , you rule mate!!!!
huge inspiration
Love the cartoon photo to!!!
Posted On: Saturday, Oct. 25 2008 @ 1:55PM
pissy guy. says:
For all you peeps out there that think that kids are "too young" to know about sex.... GET A LIFE! My daughter back when she was 7 knew more than I know now! Newsflash! If you kids go to school, they are not just learning math and reading, but they are learning more than you can imagine about sex. By the time she was 8 I did have the talk. By nine, I even showed her a snip from a porn movie so she knows HOW it all works. She's 11 now and has NO QUESTIONS at all. She knows not just how things work, but the DANGERS of it all as well. Even to this very day, NOTHING shows up in the proxy log files of her attempting to look at anything naked. Nothing about sex. Nothing about drugs. The secrets are revealed. Nothing held back. And I honestly feel that because of the way it was presented to her, my job as a father (with the cleaning of the guns) will be easier because she has something that MANY of you are too fearful to do. EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN. The most STUPID thing you can do to your child is not educate them fully. They are not a stupid as you want them to be. Just because you were brought up in a different manner doesn't mean that your teaching methods have to be that of the 50's.
There is NO reason to be ashamed or embarrassed about sex. It is as natural as eating food. I'll never understand why people view it is "Oh my GOD, you said SEX". Don't take this the wrong way, but you are complete idiots. Everyone has become too politically correct in this day and age and you really should be shot between the eyes. get with the program people. We're not living in the stone ages of our great great grandparents where chewing gum was a 1st degree crime here.
For those of you that put down "the daddy" for having "the talk".... get a freaking life. Go cry to your shrink and be sure to tell them that pissy guy said you're a pathetic little life form on earth.
For those that have kids, hell, start "the talk" with your kids now! Even at 3 years old you can bring them up knowing what's what. If you take the secrets away, their curiosity will not exist. Worried about masturbation... don't be! Last I heard, NO ONE DIED FROM THIS. Even better, your girls don't get pregnant from it, not do they get a deadly disease from it. Hell, they're going to do it eventually anyway. Might as well teach them the right way from the wrong way.
Posted On: Sunday, Oct. 26 2008 @ 12:24AM
Stacy says:
Pissy Guy, I'm pretty sure Duff is intelligent enough to have known when he wrote this column that he might be inviting some strong opinions, especially from parents, so I really don't see why it's necessary to verbally beat the stuffing out of every person who responded. Every parent on the entire planet has to eventually make that decision about when is the right age to have "the talk" and there is no one official handbook that is right for the entire world that I know of so maybe waiting a little longer is what works for them. That's not horrible, nor is it a crime, it's just the way it is. I for one don't even remember what age I was when my mom gave me the talk so maybe in the grand scheme of things that's not the most important decision so much as being involved in a kid's life and making sure they know their parents are the ones they can always turn to no matter what the subject. And my parents never showed me porn in order to teach me that.
Posted On: Monday, Oct. 27 2008 @ 12:31AM
Lori says:
Hey Alex, ever think that some people want to give their best in everything they do. It is part of my personality to give it my all, no matter what I do. Duff continues to give his best to music, family etc. because we can do whatever we want with "our" life.
Maybe you just tossed this out to create waves and that's ok. We won't feel too embarrassed for you. Have a great day! :-)
Posted On: Monday, Oct. 27 2008 @ 7:17AM
J.C.R says:
Well Duff congratulations! You deal with a topic that every parent have to deal with their kids. I understand how May felt because I had "the talk" when I was 8 years old. Now I am 12 and I understand the danger and the fear of the parents about porn. I also have this talks about sex on my school and about pornographic websites that are all around Internet. But I am happy that you want your girls to trust you because that is the most important thing on a family. So, congratulations I think you deal with the topic very well! But an advice, be carefull of spying your daughters conversations becuase if you discover something you shouldn't, how could you explain the way you knew about it when you were miles away from your home? If my parents tell me that they were spying my conversations, I will be really angry althought I understand that they did that because they worry about me, but I also need to have privacy. So be carefull with that. You are a really HUGE inspiration for me. I think you are a great person. You Rock!
Posted On: Wednesday, Oct. 29 2008 @ 7:42AM
Chivi says:
Well Duff, I´m not a mother yet, but I was yours daughter’s age once. I remember how difficult it was for my father to begin a conversation with me, he usually said thing that made me feel even more embarrassed. Some sex education books and movies were a good key to start asking and answering question!
The truth is that there are things that you just can’t control, with or without the internet. Watching their steps it’s important, ´cause it means that you’re there for them and that you’ll be able to anticipate problems, but respecting their privacy it’s also relevant to gain their trust.
I was 10 years old when I listen to AFD for the first time. I don’t think I need to tell you how happy my parents were to see me growing up with GNR. I listened to those lyrics more that I listened to them. I guess they realized they could trust in me and decided to respect my curiosity. After all behind those lyrics about drugs, sex and reckless life there was a sweet father like you!....
It’s not easy to understand women, and you got 3. My only advice, It´s GOOD LUCK!!
Chivi,
Buenos Aires
Posted On: Wednesday, Oct. 29 2008 @ 6:48PM
Bored says:
I never knew i'd feel like this till i had my daughter.
Posted On: Monday, Nov. 3 2008 @ 2:41PM
Candi says:
I just hope your daughters don't see your "u-tube" performance of "A Night in the Jungle". My oldest son is "going to be a rock star" and was watching it when you talked about the reasons behind the lyrics for "It's So Easy". I'm really not giving you a hard time, because I laughed out loud when he showed it to me--you had some very specific reasons :). One of the disadvantages of being a star when they can record and replay..and replay... everything you ever said in those days of wisdom!
Posted On: Thursday, Nov. 6 2008 @ 11:46AM
Heather says:
I've been thinking about posting my thoughts since i first read the column when it got posted... and i just decided what the heck, i'm gonna post it...
from what i read you are doing a great job raising your kids...
my mom never had the sex talk with me ( never had contact with my father, was raised by my granma and mom, 3 of us lived in the same house )
anyway she never mentioned anything to me, i had to learn everything the more embarrasing way... its weird because my mom is never ashamed, maybe she forgot or thought it wasnt necessary, i don't know..
i had to learn what sex was in school and from friends, i learned about menstruation when i had it the very first time, no idea what the blood was in my underpants... i had to learn women shave their legs in gymclass when other girls touched my legs and asked if the hairs on my legs were real, and i had no idea what they were talking about...
i'm 24 now by the way...
well... i just had to say it, and i did...
Posted On: Saturday, Nov. 8 2008 @ 7:59PM
Paul Becker says:
Duff,
Check out www.opendns.org. You just set your DNS server entries in your home gateway / firewall and then set your preferences about what you want to block. Works great for me.
Paul
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Now I've never gotten the part 2, but seeing as I'm a teen living in Brooklyn with internet access I'm aware of everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.
One piece of advice: DO NOT give your girls a body/sex book for Valentines Day. We don't appreciate that. For some reason, my mom thought it would be a good idea. Just...don't.
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