Why My Wife Still Thinks I'm a Badass
Posted Nov. 19, 2008 at 5:08 pm by Duff McKagan
Duff McKagan's column appears every Thursday on Reverb.
I am the father of two girls. Our dog Buckley and I are outnumbered at our house, but at least I can say “No!” when my girls try to put pink ribbons in my hair. Buckley, of course, does not have that option. I have entered an age grouping that has had the name ‘crisis’ after it much too often for my liking. There is no way you will see me driving around some new yellow Corvette just to relive my 20somethings. No way, man! I am edgy and ‘street’ and have an image to uphold. So I chose a more macho new hobby to combat escalating estrogen at my home and deflating testosterone, also um, at my home…I’m a Harley rider. I’m a BADASS!
Two summers ago, I acquired a brand-new Harley Davidson Road King. With an 1840 cc engine, it IS the biggest motorcycle that one can buy stock from a manufacturer. Why would I get a bike that is so big? To make up for my long legs of course. (There is another thing big machinery helps to accommodate, but it slips my mind at the moment-maybe it’s time for Ginkgo Biloba).
There was a tiny hurdle between me and my Harley, however. In the State of Washington, a new rider must complete a 16-hour course to get a motorcycle ‘endorsement’ on one’s drivers license. So much for me learning to ride this monster at the U-Dub parking lot and letting the wind direct my next move. So much for me rumbling up to my neighborhood Starbucks and ordering my vanilla latte. All of those babes on the street would get a few week reprieve from going to the chiropractor to fix their necks from craning. No worries, ladies, I’ll be out there soon. I had to sign up for a course first. This isn’t so easy. As we all know, summertime in Seattle bustles with outdoor activity and I found out quickly that motorcycle class is one of them. I would have to wait 4 weeks…
Class is what you might imagine; some teenagers, some adults just trying to get out of a moving violation or two, a lonely, pudgy, middle-aged woman habitually taking this class to meet a potential ‘hook-up’ (I’ll call her Sally), and of course, me. No part of this class screamed ‘REBEL’…but I guess I would just have to pay the Man his due here. I find myself saying things like this now that I have my ‘hog’. It was a hot weekend at the end of July and my class started to thin out fast. Everyone would go to lunch but not everyone would come back. By the second day, our ranks had shrunken to half. By lunchtime that day, they got halved again. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I was taking off my required ‘outside’ long-sleeve shirt for the ‘inside’ sit-down test. “Ooh, some eye candy!” I suddenly heard. It was the aging class taker Sally, and I had become the object of her cheap but obviously warranted affection. You see, I still indeed have ‘it’. I also passed the test.
Goodbye all-of-the-time-perfume-scented-home! I’m gonna hit the open road! Put leather on my back and some aviator shades on my face and I am GONE! That is, once I’ve learned to ride this BIG of a bike! The ones at class were much, much smaller and now I have perhaps realized that a Road King is for a REALLY experienced rider. No matter, I’ll just putt around my neighborhood until I get the hang of this beast. I was practicing turns at the end of my street when my bike just sort of fell over. This ‘outlaw’ had to knock on a neighbor’s door to help him get his bike back upright. I went home with my head down.
On day 2, a couple of friends came over on their bikes to take me on a small cruise. They told me to just follow their ‘line’ and do as they did. Now, I live in the city and there really is no rural-ness around me. The ‘California-izing’ of car driver’s attitudes in Seattle has put some daring into our already over-stressed roadways. I’m fine with all of this in a car, but on a bike? Shit, this is like some video game on ‘expert’ level and the consequences are real! Once we got to Lake City Way, my hands were so cramped from gripping on the clutch and brake that I had to tell my friends that my ride was over for the day (I only live about 5 minutes from Lake City Way. But, I digress!). Of course, when I got home and my wife asked me how my ride went, I embellished tales of life on the ‘road’; she said, “That’s nice, dear” and told me to take out the garbage.
As the rest of the summer passed, I got a lot more comfortable on my Harley. It even got to a point that my wife and I would take late night cruises around the city. We even went to a rock show on the Road King…lookin’ all tough, parking right on the sidewalk right in front of the Hi-Dive, me and my ol’ lady. Actually, if I ever called her ‘my ol’ lady’ in her presence, I would probably not hear the end of it for a long, long time, and that would suck.
I have learned to do what makes her happy and take the path of least resistance, and that is one of the reasons we have stayed together for so long. That, and I am a true stud, naturally. Speaking of things that make her happy, it seems these days that she ALWAYS wants to ride on the back of my bike. It’s CRAZY! She asked me if I could get louder pipes (exhaust) for my bike even. I told her that louder pipes would only make the bike rumble and shake more; she only nodded with exuberant approval…even clapping her hands! She really loves that bike. The only time that I’ve ever seen her visibly depressed was when I had to get some repairs done and the bike was gone for a week. She really, really loves that bike I guess! I never would have thought…
So here I stand…the figure of pure bad-assyness, for the rest of you to admire and fear. I am the MAN of my house and I can do as I please. I can come and go as I want, no matter the hour (one day a week- and as long as get home by 11pm- and bring back a half-gallon of milk). My little girls look at me now with awe-struck admiration. My wife looks at me with a strange new lust that I can’t quite put my finger on, but never the less, it IS lust. I’m a biker mofos, and no Johnny Law can keep me down.
If you happen to see a black Road King with a small pink sidecar for a dog…that definitely is not me. It might look like me and he may be as tall as me…but it DEFINITELY is not me!
Ride Free
Duff
Topics: Duff McKagan
Comments
*wipes tears*
Bravo, Sir Badass. A brilliant bit of whimsy.
Posted Nov. 19, 2008 at 8:17 pm by KrisYou know how to mix in the Badass with the Obama and throw in a little bit 'bout your babies' mama! And this is why I can't wait to see what you write about every week, it's always a surprise. Kind of brilliant to hear your voice after years of just watching you play!
I always thought, no, KNEW you were a badass! I'm glad to have it confirmed.
I will pass it on that the cure for putting up with all the femaleness in our household of daughters (even our English bulldog is female!) is to get a big bike. I'm glad there's a remedy against our pink hair ribbons and nonsense and that you have discovered it.
Myla S.
Posted Nov. 19, 2008 at 10:37 pm by Myla S.Hey, Triumph has a bike called the Rocket III, and that pig behemoth sports a 2294cc 3 cylinder engine..
One thing to remember while riding:
Keep the rubber side down.
Posted Nov. 19, 2008 at 11:27 pm by MeThe way you keep a certain dignified grace as well as wit throughout your writing just enthralls me. If you ever decide you want to publish a book, regardless of the subject, I would have to read it.
I dare say, you've got an excellent prose that I hope to achieve.
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 12:40 am by Ian V.OK, so you didn't start out with a normal hog like (my favorite) the Heritage Softail Classic but all will be well...no fear! Duff I know you know this and you can't be a naive biker boy, ok?! A ride on a Harley is foreplay for women and why your bride loves it.
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 6:42 am by LoriOne time I was riding with a friend who dropped a bike...and it weighed over 800 lbs, so don't hang your head too low. Ya ain't the bionic man - haha!
OK, one more thing I can relate to...I flew from Philly to Seattle, bought tickets for the Key Arena in the 12th row to see Bocelli (needed a new experience). There I was in my boots, flanel shirt etc. sitting amongst folks dressed in evening gowns and furs. My cousin lives in Kent and gave my sister and I an awesome corvette to cruise to the concert in. We felt like we were so cool! I guess that is what girls do.
Enjoy your new endeavor and be safe for your family.
Here a motto: No reserves, no retreats, and no regrets. Ride on! Lori
Adding a footnote. You might want to think about getting a sidecar for Buckley...he might need an escape too!
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 6:48 am by LoriNow there is a mental picture to make you smile today :-)
Okay. I need to go for a ride on that thing. But if it tips over, count me out!
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 10:30 am by Kim WarnickI'm sorry to tell you, but "BAD ASS" and "Seattle Weekly" really don't mix.
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 10:31 am by Arty ZiffOMFG! A Harley Davidson! I wish I could drive one of those monsters, but i'm only 16!
I'm gettin' driving license, but I don't think it will be easy. School of motoring's bike it's too tall and I'm short!
It's a 1986-Honda XL!
"“That’s nice, dear” and told me to take out the garbage."
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 1:07 pm by luisaYou know, I think your wife's a fuckin' geniuos!
Hey Duff: ST from Alaska here, and I've just now caught your columns and responses this past week, so I've been busy catching up! Although I've been a big fan of your music for quite some time (even flew into Seattle for a VR show a couple of years back), and have heard you speak in some recorded interviews, your written words and the wit, humor and insight, not only in the music scene, but in the political arena as well, are highly entertaining. I was rolling on the floor reading this article, because it sure brought up my past experiences of dropping my 350 Honda and making sure no one saw me as I picked it back up again (several times, I might add - I'm not nearly as long legged as you and the bike was really too big for me!).
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 1:10 pm by STAnyways, thanks for brightening up an otherwise dull day, and keep up the good work. Good luck with finding a new singer, too!
Duff
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 3:12 pm by BrianI can picture your neighbors when you're looking for help: "honey get away from the door and don't open it, there's a scary looking dude coming to the house".
Oh yes Duff.
The 40something, infamous drug-using bassist of the legendary pioneer band in heavy metal is back! Center of all the hype and drama, the nervous fans and press attention since god-knows-when, and his new claim to fame? Hardass biking. It's not the mad bass-shredding skillz, it's not the world famous band, the millions of screaming fans... it's riding a bike -_-
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 4:45 pm by Aurore H.Oh yes Duff.
The 40something, infamous drug-using bassist of the legendary pioneer band in heavy metal is back! Center of all the hype and drama, the nervous fans and press attention since god-knows-when, and his new claim to fame? Hardass biking. It's not the mad bass-shredding skillz, it's not the world famous band, the millions of screaming fans... it's riding a bike -_-
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 4:45 pm by Aurore H.Oh yes Duff.
The 40something, infamous drug-using bassist of the legendary pioneer band in heavy metal is back! Center of all the hype and drama, the nervous fans and press attention since god-knows-when, and his new claim to fame? Hardass biking. It's not the mad bass-shredding skillz, it's not the world famous band, the millions of screaming fans... it's riding a bike -_-
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 4:45 pm by Aurore H.Oh yes Duff.
The 40something, infamous drug-using bassist of the legendary pioneer band in heavy metal is back! Center of all the hype and drama, the nervous fans and press attention since god-knows-when, and his new claim to fame? Hardass biking. It's not the mad bass-shredding skillz, it's not the world famous band, the millions of screaming fans... it's riding a bike -_-
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 4:45 pm by Aurore H.I posted FOUR times?
My bad.
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 4:50 pm by Aurore H.I posted FOUR times??
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 4:51 pm by Aurore H.My bad.
ROFLAO! Too.awesome. Born to be Wild. Rock on.
Posted Nov. 20, 2008 at 10:44 pm by FelyneI bet you there is a lot more people than your wife that think you are more than a badass.
She ask you to take the garbage out. She rocks.
"Born to be wild" it's said.
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 4:23 am by AnonymousYou know I admire you.
Take care.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who laughed and loved the fact that the ex-bassist from
one of the biggest bands ever who continues to make music that rocks many people's worlds is writing such entertaining things about his life,wife,kids, dog! We all have to take out the garbage!! Even people who play in the bands that made the soundtrack of my life!! It's pretty damn cool when I think of the YEARS spent being a fan from afar... now I can read about the musicians of my life's soundtrack taking out the garbage!! Incorrigiable old school rock fan loving the hell out of it.
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 8:50 am by Myla S.Myla S.
dude, your wife just wants you to fuck her, plain and simple
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 9:29 am by Talia, SASpeaking of "taking out the garbage" Talia, SA...we can live with out your trash!
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 10:41 am by LoriFuck! I didn't sign my comment.
The stupid one that appears as Anonymous, that's me.
Bye, people.
Have a nice weekend!
At least in Argentina it is Friday at 5 o'clock.
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 10:56 am by MelinaDude - you write just as awesome as you rock - but WTF with the title change?! BADASS. 'Nuff said.
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 11:41 am by KrissyMotorcycles are annoying. Macho chest pounding is annoying. Buying vanilla lattes from starbucks is annoying. Guns 'n Roses is annoying. This guy's column is ANNOYING!
I thought KRIST NOVOSELIC'S band NIRVANA laid all these 80's dinosaurs to rest? They keep coming back like herpes!
A good columnist should be able to not only be entertaining and funny, but also drop some serious knowledge on us once in a while. Haven't got that vibe from ol' duffy quite yet. Not quite sure what the Weekly was thinking putting this guy on to begin with. Hmmm...
Doesn't really matter anyway. I'm sure most savvy, loyal Weekly readers aren't reading his column or listening to Guns 'n Roses. Everyone I've talked to say they prefer Krist's column overwhelmingly.
I thought Seattle was way past the butt-rocker perspective.
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 8:44 pm by Mike F.Wow, I'm glad I waited to comment until now because now I can tell Mike F. he's full of it. Clearly you haven't read any of Duff's articles other than this one, and I actually appreciate an entertaining article once in a while. As for the Nirvana vs. Gn'R comments, when someone intentionally tries to put others down or make them jealous, it's usually a sign of their own jealousy or self perception. I just finished reading an internet news article about people in Myanmar going to prison for up to 60 years for nothing more than peaceful protests and speaking their minds about an unjust governemt, so 1)I'm grateful to be reminded just how many freedoms I enjoy in this country (USA) and 2)grateful to come here and be entertained by a guy who somehow managed to call himself a badass and mention a home by 11 curfew and pink sidecar in almost the same paragraph. Awesome article once again Duff and keep on rockin (and a U.S. Loaded tour would be awesome).
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 9:23 pm by StacyPeople who comment on a blog just to read their name in print...ANNOYING!
Poor Mike F. SO burdened to read this big long boring crappily written (can you smell the sarcasm??) blog and then write a WHOLE paragraph about how it sucks....
Methinks someone else might have some compensatory "big machinery" in his world :-) (and it ain't for "long legs")
I, on the other hand, laughed out loud at some of the parts of this blog...WELL DONE DUFF!
Posted Nov. 21, 2008 at 10:19 pm by Tattooed AngelAhaha, this column was great.
I always love reading what you have to say, Duff.
You should put up a picture or something of you on the bike (:
you're definitely the figure of badassy-ness, as you put it.
Posted Nov. 23, 2008 at 11:17 pm by SarahDuff, you are the shizzle my nizzle.
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 7:45 am by dirtyfishermanI was in Easy Street records the other day and overheard this guy with a monster mullet ask to sample the new G'nR CD. I had to laugh because during the 2nd song he said "that's OK, nevermind". Ha!
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 2:23 pm by Mike F.They should have called that piece of crap "Chinese Torture"!
Mike F,
You DO realize Duff has NOT been in GNR for oh...let's see...MORE THAN A DECADE!?!?
And you mock a dude with a mullet implying he's in a time warp...WELCOME TO THE MILLENIUM!
Here's a quarter...buy a clue dude....
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 4:46 pm by Tattooed AngelAs a mater of fact I DO realize that. I was aware of that when I posted. What differnece does it make? He's cut from the same mold. A butt rocker's a butt rocker. Maybe it's YOU that can't tell the difference.
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 6:42 pm by Mike F.Velvet Revolver was the same 80's derived crap trying to pass as relevant. With a lineup of a-hole musical dinosaurs. And if his new band "Loaded" (stupid name) is supposed to pass for punk rock, maybe it's you and duffy that need to enter a time warp so you can both refresh your memory of what good rock and punk were all about.
So here's your quarter back and I'll raise you a 50 cent piece for you to deposit in whatever slot's handy.
So, WELCOME TO REALITY!!! Where people's musical tastes actually evolve over time...
"chinese torture!" classic!
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 7:51 pm by Josh K.I'm sitting here asking myself why I'm feeding the troll....but eh...what the hey...
First: I have no idea (nor do I care to know) what a "butt-rocker" is or your inane definition of such.
Second: The difference it makes is that you are posting on a blog of someone who has had no involvement in that band for over a decade, who cares what Chinese Democracy sounds like, who previewed it, or what they said, good, bad, or otherwise. It has absolutely ZERO relevance to this blog, even less relevance to Duff and his current musical endeavors.
Third: Entering the Billboard charts at #1 with a debut release and winning a Grammy for said album really strengthens your argument that VR is not "relevant" doesn't it? But, if your definition of "relevant" means bubble gum pop of half naked sexualized, pre-teens who sing whatver lyrics are put in front of them warping the tweens and preteens of America, and prefabricated, overmixed, artificial wannabes then VR are truly anything BUT relevant and THANK GOD for that!
Fourth: Apparently you are too small minded to comprehend a working definition of "punk," and I won't belabor the point other than to say, if Loaded's not your cup of tea, hey, you're entitled to not like the same music I do, but Loaded is nothing like GNR or VR.
Fifth: I'm perfectly fine where I am and thank you I do not need a "time warp" to revisit "good rock" or "real punk." Apparently your your musical tastes are beyond reproach and if there's one thing that I despise it's music snobs.
Sixth: I'm firmly planted in reality thanks for asking! My musical tastes have also evolved but not to the point that I would put your 50 cent piece and any slot for most of the shit that they try to pass off as music today.
Seventh: For someone who finds everything about Duff annoying and outdated you are hanging around here quite a bit....makes me wonder...and to paraphrase Duff your issues probably aren't with him or his bands....That's a mighty small shoe there brother ;-)
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 8:29 pm by Tattooed AngelTattooed Angel, I love your post. You seriously just saved me from typing all that stuff myself. At this point, though, I'd say maybe we should all use a little child psychology (sarcasm intended) and ignore him. He may throw a temper tantrum when he realizes no one is biting the bait, but eventually he'll get tired of being ignored and go harass someone who'll fall for it and give him the reaction he's looking for.
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 9:12 pm by StacyToo late! My work here is done! (but I'll be watching)This is too easy! Peace out, bitches!
Posted Nov. 24, 2008 at 10:04 pm by Mike F.no lori, what's really trashy is when you insult someone you don't even know, so thanks for the comment
Posted Nov. 25, 2008 at 9:20 am by Talia, SAtatooed angel, you rock
Posted Nov. 25, 2008 at 9:25 am by Talia, SATalia, SA...didn't insult you, just found your comment insulting and trashy. If I read my husband's blog and that was written about me...well enough said. Enough spats on the blog this week. Hope it doesn't discourage you Duff from continuing on...stay the course!
Posted Nov. 25, 2008 at 10:47 am by LoriDoubtful that it would discourage him Lori...has made for interesting reading..and hell this is NOTHING compared to the Birds and the Bees one! haha! ;-)
Posted Nov. 25, 2008 at 10:49 am by MBAgree MB!
Posted Nov. 25, 2008 at 10:59 am by Loriright..i'l trust your judjment then
Posted Nov. 26, 2008 at 9:15 am by Talia, SA