Dear Katy Perry, You're A Hack

And I don't just think that because your single "I Kissed A Girl," ripped off a much-cooler predecessor of yours, Jill Sobule, whose identically-named song could kick your song's ass blindfolded with its hands tied behind its back. Sure, whoever produced your album did a good job. But that doesn't make your songwriting any less of a travesty.  When I first heard "Kissed A Girl," I thought it was Pink, who can't sing worth a damn and, so it seems, neither can you.

On the surface, you're just another mediocre pop star, and if it wasn't for the gender stereotypes and hypocrisies that pervade your record, I wouldn't have taken the time to rant about how much I despise your music. Because while "I Kissed A Girl" just makes you sound like that insecure bimbo at the frat party who makes out with other girls for attention, putting songs like "U R So Gay" on your album along with it just reinforces all the old, tired stereotypes that a whole lot of people mistakenly think you're flouting by singing about kissing girls. What you're basically saying with One Of The Boys-- the title track and the album itself--is that, while it's okay for YOU to experiment with gender and maybe dabble in a little bit of girl-on-girl action, it's not okay for the dude you date to be anything less than a meat-eating, redblooded, football-playing, bronze American God Of Masculinity. Let's take a look at some of the lyrics, shall we?
I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway
You don't eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You're so indie rock it's almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive
You're so gay and you don't even like boys

Wow, Katy! You're so edgy, reinforcing all the old, tired stereotypes that a man must be gay if he is 1) a vegetarian, 2) an environmentalist and 3) prefers classical music and/or indie rock to the crap you and your major-label friends are shilling to the youth of America.

What continues to baffle me is how many people think that you and your dumbass songs about wanting to be a pretty, pretty princess and get noticed by boys (not that you need to worry about that) are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Your concert tonight sold out like that (*insert fingersnap here*). I've got to hand it to your PR machine, because you've been marketed just beautifully.  You've dug out a niche with your image as every fratboy's guilty fantasy, the answer to their high school crush on the arty alterna-chick who wore retro dresses and whose self-esteem was probably low enough to get with him-- if he'd only been brave enough to date outside the cheerleading squad. Whoever manufactured your image did a great job of tapping into the psyches of bros everywhere. It reminds me of that chick flick with Freddie Prinze, Jr., She's All That-- I'm sure you've seen it--in which Rachael Leigh Cook plays an ugly, arty misfit who's only "ugly" because she wears glasses, or something.  In your case, it's retro clothes and black eyeliner.

See, the problem is that you're not alternative.  You're not revolutionary.  You're not any different from any other pop star.  You're just the drunk girl at a party who makes out with chicks for attention and then accuses the smart, sensitive boy you thought you wanted to date of being "gay" because he doesn't live up to your idea of masculinity. Get a life, Katy Perry-- and please, for the love of all that's holy, get off the stage.