American Idol Finale: Adam Lambert Owns Kris Allen

I tried to vote for my Idol pick countless times by both calling and texting during the four hours the lines were open, but none of my attempts worked. Why? Because everybody and their fucking mothers were trying to do the same damn thing. So last night—the most important night viewers have to vote—because the first night that I didn't. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement.

So all I can do is hope that all those obnoxious tween girls' cell phone plans don't unlimited texting. Because they're the ones who are voting for Kris. And while I totally get why the fresh-faced cutie appeals to them, I think it'd be ridiculous if he actually won the competition.

Because let's be real—Adam is is the only reason people are even talking about this season of American Idol. The show lost its edge years ago. Nobody gives a shit its past winners, with the exception of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. But when this flamboyant dude whose prior claim to faim was being an understudy in the touring cast of the musical Wicked showed up, people took notice. He looked like Elvis and sounded like Freddy Mercury (my mother says Robert Plant... take your pick.) Suddenly, there was somebody who was actually cool on a cheesy show filled with bad karaoke renditions of Aretha Franklin and Journey.

Last night's episode of American Idol featured three songs apiece from Kris and Adam. They were required to do a re-do of a song they'd already performed in the competition, a song selected by Idol creator Simon Fuller, and a really awful ballad penned by judge Karo DioGuardi and some other writers who should be truly ashamed of themselves.

For the first round, Adam chose to once again perform his stunning rendition of "Mad World." He emerged out of billowing fog wearing a black trench coat and looking like—I turned to my friends and said it before Simon did—the Phantom from Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical. The difference is that I meant it as a compliment, while Simon meant it as an insult. I'm not sure how legit the line works as a criticism though, given that Phantom of the Opera is the longest running musical of all time. It'd be like comparing an actor to Meryl Street and meaning it in a bad way.

Fuller picked Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come" for Adam's second song, and once again, the singer proved just how versatile his voice is. Looking dapper in a grey suit, he delivered the r&b track with gusto, showing off his multi-octave wail.

The only low point of the night came during the third round when Adam and Kris were required to sing the same song—"No Boundaries," a DioGuardi-penned track slated to be the Idol winner's first single. This had the potential to be interesting, except the song fucking sucks. Seriously, even that '90s jingle for one-day sales at the Bon Marché would've been better. Both Adam and Kris did okay, but fuck, they were working with some pretty awful shit. The only person who looked thrilled with the showdown was DioGuardi—and that's because she wrote the damn song. I could bitch about this for hours but will move along.

Plenty of folks have argued that it doesn't matter who wins tonight's finale, because both Adam and Kris will go onto get record deals. That's true. But the title matters. Because, as Simon said last night, the whole point of a show like this is to find somebody who is a fucking star.

Adam has been a star from day one. He's got people who've never watched American Idol before hooked. He has people like me who were over the show years ago watching again.

I am going to be watching this evening's two-hour results show with bottle in hand. This way I can either celebrate a much deserved victory or drown my sorrows. It better be the former or I am gathering all Glambert fans and rioting.