2nd Annual Top Model Distaff

Inspired by the gutsy performance of local filly Smarty Deb in this past weekend's Breeders' Cup, we at Thread Count have decided to dust off an oldie but a goodie: the annual America's Next Top Model Juvenile Distaff, in which we handicap the remaining field of contestants in America's most overlooked yet durable reality show, birthed and hosted by the startlingly well-preserved African-American supermodel Tyra Banks. Now in its ninth "cycle," the ANTM field is down to its final eight fillies. One by one, we forecast their odds of victory below:

Ambreal Williams, 500-1. She was basically eliminated after landing in the final two this past episode, only to be spared after the much better-looking runner-up for the hatchet (Ebony) quit. A very sweet and smart young woman, Ambreal is nevertheless possibly the ugliest contestant ever permitted entry into Tyra's field of starters. Of the remaining fillies, she's the only one with absolutely no chance of winning, barring a makeover in the next episode that includes a face transplant.

Saleisha, 20-1. A super cute, super smart, shortish African-American model, Saleisha is probably the girl who, if leaning against a bar rail alongside the other seven finalists, would get asked out on more dates than anyone else. That's another way of saying she's not high fashion enough to prevail in the end, despite the fact that she'll likely make the final three or four -- maybe even the final two. Girls like this never win, but they always put up a respectable fight. A classic front-runner whose pedigree inevitably causes a flame-out at the quarter-pole after attempting to wire the field.

Sarah Hartshorne, 15-1. Very curvy and attractive, Sarah has—perhaps unfairly—been flagged as a tweener between "normal" and plus-size (plus-size meaning any woman who rates as something shapelier than anorexic). Most of the panel laments the fact that she's lost weight since the season began, actually arguing that she'd be better served to put it back on and carve out a plus-size niche. In the real world, where women aren't judged exclusively by uber-queens and coke-inhaling Amazonian divas, Sarah would be classified as pretty damn hot. But in the CW's perpendicular universe, she's caught between a bucket of chicken and a juice fast.

Jenah Doucette, 12-1. The camera loves her, as they say, but this fair-haired filly is anything but a head-turner in person. To win, you've got to have the whole package, and the cup's only about half full here.

Chantal Jones, 7-1. A Barbie-like, statuesque blonde hottie who's dreamed of becoming a top model since she was a little girl, she'll probably lose because she's dreamed of becoming a top model since she was a little girl. She wants it too badly, and the ones who want it too bad (see also: Saleisha) rarely end up in the winner's circle. Then again, I always like betting on the handicapper's third or fourth pick at the track, so definitely some intrigue as a value play.

Bianca Golden, 6-1. Despite her severe struggles to form complete sentences during spokesmodel run-throughs, Bianca's perseverance make her the darkhorse of the field. She overcame a hair disaster that would have completely derailed most of these gals, and has perfected the art of smiling with her eyes, a favorite trait of host Banks. At the end of the day, she'll be the filly who's flying toward the wire—albeit a couple lengths too late.

Lisa, 3-1. Rrrrreeeeooooowwwrrrrr!!!! The total package here (pictured above): non-Caucasian in an industry where minority cover girls are in perilously short supply, tall, great figure, super-cute face, "fuck me" sexy when she wants to be, high fashion when she doesn't. Maybe the most formidable skillset ever possessed by an ANTM contestant at this stage of the race. So why doesn't she waltz to victory? Because nobody likes to see the Yankees win every year, and this one's also a little risk-averse in front of the lens, which the judges hate.

Heather Kuzmich, 3-1. A morning line co-favorite for one reason: she has Asperger's Syndrome, (i.e., Autism Lite). And yet, this affliction does not seem to hinder this rangy filly in any way when it's time to get fierce. More of an on-camera looker than an in-person stunner, Heather is also unusually bright for an aspiring supermodel. A total toss-up with Lisa right now, although if we had to pick 'em right now, we'd give it to Heather by a nose because of the handicapable factor, which any camera—be it reality show or soap opera—always loves.