ANTM Final 4: Blacks v. Blondes

Now that Thread Count's top two morning line picks, Lisa and Heather, have been eliminated from the Top Model Cycle 9 Distaff, the competition's four finest fillies have reached the top of the Shanghai homestretch. A hotly contested scrum featuring two blacks and two blondes, there are but two picks that can save ANTM from being renamed "America's Next Top Oddly Attractive Beanpole Teenager Who Gets Discovered at a Mall by a CW Talent Scout, Beats Out 12 Other Oddly Attractive Beanpole (and One Plus-Size) Teenagers (and One Older Girl) to Get a Modeling Contract, and Flames Out Almost Instantly When Pitted Against Real Models in the Real World." Following are the homestretch odds (with final six handicapping in parentheses):

Bianca Golden, 10-1 (12-1). Only because she's somehow made it this far do we narrow the odds for this annoying bitch from Queens. If she wins, it will mark the second year in a row that the ANTM jury has anointed a wannabe trannie, and will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this show is incapable of tapping a would-be industry star. Furthermore, Ms. J should yield his spot on the panel to an uber-hetero frat guy from Florida State University. Sure, he'd pick a model who's "too Maxim," but it's better than picking a model who's simply too lame to compete in any arena.

Jenah Doucette, 6-1 (4-1). Nigel Barker hates her, she's been knocked down a couple pegs over the last couple rounds, and she has two sets of lower teeth. Yeah, she's a little edgier than her remaining opponents, but "edge" shouldn't be confused with "potentially successful model." She's toast.

Chantal Jones, 3-1 (7-1). If the aforementioned frat guy from FSU were on the panel right now, she'd be the runaway pick, and an awful lot of models making an awful lot of money right now bear a striking resemblance to this leggy blonde from Texas -- which is what makes her the safe pick, but also a slight underdog based on the ANTM panel's constant need for a "fresh" look.

Saleisha, 2-1 (5-1). It wasn't too long ago we had this All-American black girl from L.A. at 20-1, and now, here she is, gaining on the field with every stride and pulling even at the top of the stretch. She's shown the most improvement, doesn't make mistakes, has a good head on her shoulders, looks like Rihanna, and takes criticism well. At minimum, she'll go on to a steady commercial career, and this stable badly needs a champion of that caliber to emerge from its ranks. She'll top Jones by a neck at the wire.