An Interview With Tristan Taormino

Sexpert Tristan Taormino wrote the popular Village Voice column "Pucker Up" for nearly 10 years and now works at Taboo Magazine. She's also a bestselling author who wrote The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Woman--a book that I own, thanks to a roommate who got sick of my bizarre (and totally annoying questions) about anal sex like "Do you like it because you have a prostate?" and "Should I get a tattoo on my lower back that said 'exit only?'"

ANYWAY. Tristan hits up Elliott Bay Books at 4:30 p.m. this Saturday to chat about her newest book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She'll give a free reading and workshop (and lube!) to help you learn about crafting fulfilling non-monogamous relationships. I picked Tristan's brain this morning about the misconceptions surrounding open relationships, the benefits and challenges, and Facebook--read more to see how the latter has anything to do with the subject.

Why do people balk at the idea of an open relationship?

There are a lot of myths out there. People immediately imagine these crazy '70s key parties. They assume that an open relationship is a less mature choice than monogamy. But I met people in their 60s and 70s who considered themselves settled and had children but were in open relationships.

You've been in an open relationship for nearly eight years but say that you don't consider yourself an expert on the subject. Is there anything you discovered during researching for the book that surprised you?

One of the things that really surprised me was how many of the people I interviewed were married. I went into my research with this assumption that these were people challenging and rejecting marriage. I discovered that they weren't rejecting marriage--they were just redefining it in a way that was most meaningful to them.

You point out that monogamy isn't necessarily as ideal a situation as people make it out to be.

I think they are a lot of signs that traditional monogamy and marriage don't work for a lot of people. You look at infidelity, divorce, and the increased rates of second and third marriages... some people have found that they're happier when they focus on creating their own version of a meaningful relationship rather than following these strict ideas about how they're supposed to look and operate.

Are there certain characteristics that make someone more or less suited for an open relationship?

People in open relationships definitely have a commitment to learning about themselves and how they operate in relationships. They're confronted on a regular basis with situations that can raise jealousy, insecurity, and fear. They have to have more communication lines open because they have multiple relationships. If you don't like talking about your feelings or others', then open relationships probably aren't for you.

Social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace allow users to label themselves as "in an open relationship" and "swinger." Do you think that holds any significance?

I'm thrilled, quite frankly. It's more significant than people would want to admit. I know that some individuals label themselves 'in an open relationship' or 'swinger' as a fun kitschy thing. But there are people who have been in open relationships for years that haven't had the opportunity to come out. They didn't have a box they could check. Now they do have that choice on websites that attract millions of visitors a day.

What challenges do people in open relationships still face?

We definitely need to work on gaining more visibility and awareness. We need to get more people in open relationships talking about their relationship styles and why they value them. I think the word 'values' has been used by the religious right to mean a specific white traditional heterosexual nuclear family value. We need to grab that term back and redefine it for ourselves.

Tristan Taormino speaks at Elliott Bay Books at 4:30 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 22
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (Cleis Press, $16.95)