The Top (Meaning Bottom) Five Olive Garden Commercials

Do you have any extra chromosomes? Do you cast your vote for President of the United States of America based on which candidate is likely to share your taste in beer? Have you ever typed the phrase "lol" for any reason other than to spell out "lollygagging?" If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you will LOVE the Olive Garden.

As we all know, the Olive Garden is terrible. I would rather go down on an Iron Maiden than eat at Olive Garden. Unfortunately, Olive Garden's commercials are somehow even WORSE than the food--they're so majestically shitty, they could make a wizard airbrushed on the hood of a Camaro cry rainbow tears. Here are the five WORST Olive Garden commercials:

5. "I'm looking for my date." The dish advertised in this one, a rather pedestrian-looking rigatoni, isn't the problem. The problem is the woman dating her prepubescent son, in direct defiance of the incest and statutory rape laws of all 50 states. Either that, or her husband still can't tie his own shoes at age 50 or whatever. Either way, I smell a Lifetime Original Movie.

4. "Meth-head Zydeco." As in the previous commercial, this one isn't offensive because of the food. Yes, I'm sure the stuffed chicken Marsala and the Chicken Limone, or whatever the fuck, both taste like a sex doll covered in Aunt Jemima's, but what's really annoying about this one is the weird atonal music at the end. It sounds like a tornado passing through an accordion store, or a zydeco band fronted by Alan Ginsberg.

3. "Friends." This one is obviously trying to cash in on the commercial success of the hit NBC sitcom "Friends." The guy who calculates the total possible number of pasta/sauce combinations is obviously hapless, nerdy, thrice-divorced Ross. And the rapier wit who so effortlessly demolished Ross's childlike wonder at the number of options is obviously Chandler: "You do the math; I'm doing the alfredo." Ah, Chandler, you go ahead and do the alfredo, if doing so brings you bliss. After all, if I knew it was going to be that kind of party, I would've stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes.

2. "Rollatini." The actors here, for once, aren't too offensive: just a man and his wife enjoying each other at a shitty, shitty restaurant. What pisses me off in this one is the food they're trying to sell. "Rollatini?" Really? Could you tell me which Italian region is home to this authentic classic? Personally I prefer the "foldatelli" or the classic favorite "breaduccine."

1. The SINGLE MOST HEINOUS Olive Garden commercial is THIS FUCKING ABOMINATION. The earlier video on this list, with its vague suggestive incest cloud, merely foreshadowed the blatant child abuse rampant in this specimen. "On nights when dad works late we'll treat ourselves a bit," says the mom. "Ooh, breadsticks!" replies the victim of child rape. It doesn't take a master's degree in psychology to decipher what's going on: mom's going to "treat herself" to the kid's "breadstick." An amorous baboon who stumbled into the Cialis plant couldn't have written a more suggestive commercial. Statutory rape is no joke. That having been said, this kid's negative sideburns annoy me.

Rating: 5 lame commercials out of 5