6 Things That Go With Cocaine: Food Pairing for the Modern Sophisticate
Last week, we continued our new series, "Food Pairing for the Modern Sophisticate," with an educational look at the cutlery and glassware one might run across when attending a modern, formal dinner party. This helpful offering demonstrated that even the most socially retarded half-chimp can comport himself like a gentleman provided he remembers his manners and acquaints himself with the basic rules of dining in public. This afternoon, our series continues with a few suggestions for pairing fine foods with the best Bolivian marching powder that (someone else's) money can buy.
Looks like someone could use a snack!
It has often been said by the casual dabbler in the nasal arts that one of cocaine's best attributes is that it removes from the user the desire for anything else but more cocaine. Food and drink, human companionship, material goods, credit scores, bank balances, loved ones, sharing--all of these become drastically unimportant the moment one finds one's self face down over the mirror with half a McDonald's straw up one's nose. Or so says the common user.
But that is simply untrue. While yes, the consumption of high-quality booger sugar may dampen the want of certain necessities, it heightens the desire for other things. Like a Maserati MC12, several hookers and droning, repetitive dance music, for example. Or a hug. From everyone in the room. At the same time. And since some regular users of cocaine have even been known to crave certain foods and drinks while sporting the double-halo, it would be bad form for any host or hostess to find themselves unprepared for these appetites.
Have no fear, though. The following list of consumables that go with cocaine will guarantee that when the yayo comes out, you won't be caught with your pants down. Unless, of course, that's the kind of party you're throwing.
1) Air
Air: Noun. A colorless, flavorless, (mostly) odorous gas necessary for the consumption of more cocaine. Also, for breathing.
While at most parties, the provision of air by the host or hostess is assumed, at the fanciest of soirees, one might purchase imported air for the pleasure of one's guests. Traditionally, French Air was considered to be the best, but recently (what with everyone pretending to care about the environment and the rainforests and everything), Amazonian Air and Pure Mountain Spring Air have come into vogue.
A note to enterprising party-throwers: If your get-together is going to be attended by a large number of supermodels, hedge fund managers, teen starlets or others for whom intelligence is not a requirement in their daily business, you might want to consider charging an "Air Cover"--a payment (in cash) which will guarantee that the payee will have all the imported air necessary for their enjoyment for the duration of the festivities. The "Air Cover" should not be charged up front, but rather collected only after the party is well under way. And it should be large, because rich, dumb people only feel like they're getting their money's worth when they're overpaying.
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