Holey Shit's 5 Holey Food Commandments

For the last eight months, Holey Shit has been roaming the city (and beyond), eating donuts and bagels, and buying bigger pants. It's been a tasty assignment. But now, with most bakeries having been subjected to criticism and my cholesterol reaching new highs, it's time to retire. So for our final edition, here are the holey lessons learned in what has been a delightful tour of our fair city's circular baked goods.

5. Round bread does not a bagel make.

It is not true that the only way to get a good bagel in Seattle is buying a plane ticket to New York. That said, there are certain characteristics a bagel ought to have--specifically that signature chewy inside. Adequate attention to boiling times can be enough to solve the problem. That is admittedly harder when you're baking bagels en masse, but with a bit of caution and care, Seattle can yet overcome it's bag-bagel rap.

4. Thou shalt avoid gimmicks.

Mini donuts (I don't mean donut holes), huge fritters, orange-creamsicle schmear, all of these things contribute to quality problems. Standard bagels and donuts have been in the process of perfection for generations. But a bakery's weird, quirky offerings haven't received such rigorous testing. The result is dried out, oddly flavored creations that just don't quite satisfy.

3. Thou shalt embrace creativity.

Directly contradicting commandment number 4 here, but if a bakery has taken the time to carefully create something a little different and interesting, by all means partake.

Date and walnut cream cheese on Montreal-style bagels? Yes, please! Buttermilk donuts? Richly delicious!

2. When in Little Bavaria, leave the donut, take the cannoli.

You may be desperate for a holey treat, but that doesn't mean you should settle for an inferior one. If you find yourself in, say, a bizarre little tourist town in central Washington and there are no donuts or bagels in sight, eat what the good Lord and/or baker made you.

1. Thou shalt ignore all holey commandments.

Bagels, donuts, and their ilk are sugary carbs. They will make you fat/give you heart disease/cause you to bust through a favorite pair of jeans. In other words, they are an indulgence. And when something is an indulgence, you're supposed to eat it the way you love it. So if your favorite donuts are the dried out mini kind sold in boxes of 18 for $2.99 at Safeway, give all the rest of us snobs the finger and enjoy. Happy holey days!