​Got this note this morning from hungry reader Don who finds himself in a bit of a cheeseburger crisis:

"Buns on Wheels was mentioned today on the radio. I went to your web site to find a location, but no location was given. Perhaps thousands of other hungry Seattle people are also looking for the same information and are experiencing the same frustration. Why not just tells us, all of us, where Buns on Wheels is located? It could be good
for business. It could be good for my belly."

Good for business. Good for my belly. You ever thought of getting into the advertising game, Don?

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​

In response to the most recent Seattle's Essential Dishes post (lauding the short rib at Crush), I got a note from Dawn offering some criticism of the direction she sees the project heading. Because it was (for a change) a rational and well-reasoned argument--and brought up some of the central questions of the project itself--I thought it worth re-printing and answering here. Dawn wrote:

"I have to say that I first thought that this "Seattle Essential Dishes" project was an intriguing one. However, it is lacking in execution. Sheehan, perhaps out of laziness or simply because he is still a newcomer here, has taken to recounting his favorite dishes from that week's restaurant review. This makes for pretty boring writing and also shows Sheehan's lack of experience in our city.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand how difficult it might be to explore our city's food with the limitation of three, maybe four (?!) meals a day, especially when the critic is also expected to also blog prolifically. But Sheehan's picks for Seattle Essential Dishes lack the breadth and depth that such a project requires. They also lack a sense of the unique foods or experiences that make Seattle stand out (poutine at Steelhead was a good example of this, though--try focusing on some local anomalies like geoduck, Marination Mobile, or Elemental--though Elemental is certainly debatable...I like/hate it depending on mood, season, day)

And while I am writing, just a word about Beth's. Yes, it is a Seattle institution, and yes, we've all spent a drunken night or two there, but for those of us who've lived here more than a couple years, it's pretty banal and not really worthy of the tremendous amount of page space it received here.

Just my two cents. I think you started off on the right track, but still aren't getting to the heart of what Seattle has to offer."

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Coming soon to a crab shack near you...or is he?

​The call came in late last week from Robert.

He told me he had a mysterious friend coming into town who was just crazy for big-ass crab sandwiches. A "VIP client," was how he described the person, looking for "big, meaty crab sandwiches."

Was it weird that I was more interested in the sandwiches than the mystery man? Was it weird that I didn't immediately think this was some kind of pervy crank call?

Anyway, Robert and I talked and he told me the specifics. The VIP he was riding point for needed a place for lunch in Seattle. He didn't appear to be picky about price or location, but did have specific sandwich requirements (a man after my own heart). Said 'wich needed to be big. It needed to be fresh. It needed to be loaded up with delicious, delicious crab. So did I know a place?

"Maybe..." I said. "So who is this person that's coming to town?"

"I can't tell you that," Robert replied.

"Is it your mom?"

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​So just yesterday, someone was asking me...

"Hey, Sheehan. Where can I get me some cake shaped like a schnauzer? Or maybe some other beloved family pet?"

And I says to them, I says, "Wait a minute... I know exactly where you can find a schnauzer cake! Right at peoplepets.com."

Okay, so maybe no one actually asked me that. But dammit, someone should've because I have just the place to send them, thanks to an eagle-eyed spotter who found this article about San Francisco artist and baker Debbie Goard, and the attendant slideshow to go along with it. Goard makes some amazingly lifelike cakes. Unfortunately, most of them seem to be cake representations of family dogs. And cakes are meant to be eaten...right?

Click through the jump and see some of the best examples of Goard's work (the captions are all mine), followed by a few more classic cake mistakes.

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Yup. that's me. I never look right in pictures...

​Okay, so the super-new, super-cool 2010 Voracious Dining Guide and list of our almost-100-favorite-restaurants has only been on the street (both the actual street and the the virtual one) for a few hours now, but I've already started to get questions about it. Questions which I will answer right here, in something like the order in which I've received them.

First, there was this one, waiting for me on my voicemail when I rolled out of bed at the crack of 9:30 this morning:

You've only been in Seattle for three months. I don't believe that you ate at all these restaurants. And if you did, you must be really fat.

Well for starters, I am really fat. Like hugely fat. 300 pounds, easy. In addition, I'm just four-foot-two-inches tall, which more or less makes me completely round. And being short, fat and Irish, I go everywhere dressed in green knickers, buckle shoes and a derby hat like a proper leprechaun. Also, I'm black. And the way I managed to get to all those restaurants in so short a time? Like all leprechauns, I'm magic and can just flit around from place to place by wiggling my nose and dancing a drunken little jig. I am the magical black leprechaun and I can do anything!

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American as apple pie, chop suey and California rolls

​Earlier, I dealt with one of the comments relating (vaguely) to last week's review of Bai Tong. This week's Ask the Critic inspiration comes from the same place and concerns a question (more of an accusation, really) about my statement that "pad Thai isn't even Thai food; it's as American as chop suey and California rolls, an entrée precisely calibrated to make use of Thai ingredients as they intersect with the American palate, its love of sweetness, stickiness, and cheap, carnival-midway thrills."

I took a good amount of flack for that one. The kindest of the queries/comments was from Aaron who wrote:

"Pad Thai is as American as chop suey? Pad Thai has been eaten in Thailand for centuries as is one of the country's most popular street foods. Yes, most Seattle Thai restaurants make a ketchupy, overly sweet version but that doesn't change the fact that you don't know what you're talking about. You try really hard to sound cool but you are annoying and you have your facts wrong."

Au contraire, Aaron. I try really hard to come off as handsome, thin, funny and smarter than you. The cool just comes naturally...

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​"This Sheehan?"

"Yeah."

"The restaurant guy?"

"Yup."

"I need some help."

"What can I do?"

I get these calls a lot. I've been getting them for years.

"I need a place where I can still get reservations for Valentine's Day."

"You realize it's February 14th today, right?"

"Do you know of any restaurants where cats are allowed in the dining room?"

"No, but let me see what I can find."

"I need a restaurant that makes vegetarian chicken-fried steak."

"Uh...okay. You know that's impossible, right?"

"Chicken-fried tofu?"

"Man, that is so wrong..."

I've helped people find restaurants for visiting in-laws with all manner of bizarre dietary restrictions, for men wanting to pop the question and women looking to propose divorce (twice!). I've found restaurants for couples on first dates, for couples celebrating their 50th anniversary, for missionary groups looking to sample the cuisine of Ethiopia and for business meetings that sounded like the set-up for a bad joke: A priest, two rabbis who'll only eat kosher, one vegetarian and a woman allergic to dairy.

Sometimes my suggestions have worked wonderfully (I once found an 11th-hour meeting place for over a hundred conventioneers stranded with no place to have dinner), sometimes they have not (having a first date in a barbecue restaurant is apparently not anyone else's idea of a good time), but I've always managed to come through with something.

Until now.

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The second-greatest cheeseburger in the world: the In-n-Out Double-Double

​Conveniently enough, what with yesterday's discussion about the ginormous burgers at Red Robin, I have an email question from James who asks...about the size of burgers. James writes:

What is the best size (weight?) for a good burger? All these restaurants are making giant burgers that you have to eat with a knife and fork and no one seems to be making small burgers anymore. I don't mean sliders, but the old fashioned burgers like you used to get from drive through restaurants and places like Dick's.

Sounds like such a simple question, doesn't it? But as with all such apparently simple things, there are several ways to make it WAY more complicated than it needs to be. And that, dear readers, is something at which I am an expert.

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Say goodbye to these tables

​If you dine at Spinasse (1531 14th Ave.) later this week, you'll notice something different: banquettes where communal tables used to be.

"As a restaurant we have moved away from family style service. Our menu is now much more focused on an a la carte style service," says executive chef Jason Stratton. "I know many guests are not thrilled to be sitting next to strangers, especially on a special occasion. Communal dining can be a blast, but not everyone enjoys themselves. When I dine out myself, there are times where I want to share and times when I want to have my plates all to myself. I prefer that a guest can choose his or her own favored manner of dining."

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​Yesterday, I did my best to help out a misplaced Denverite looking to get his fix of a very particular kind of green chile--the sort made only by the various relations of Stella Cordova at Chubby's in Denver. Chubby's is a disparate local chain of (kinda) beloved taquerias that exist primarily to feed long-time fans, late-night drunks with a taste for burritos and those who, in their chile-eating, have progressed to the point where they need the vicious burn of a super-hot verde just to get up and going in the morning.

I liked Chubby's a lot when I was in Denver, and I miss it now that it's twenty hours away. But in the course of yesterday's reverie and plea for help in finding some local verde that might approximate the pride of Chubby's, it appears I forgot that most people from the Pacific Northwest likely had no idea what actual green chile (spelled with an e, not an i, because chili-with-an-i is something different entirely) was or how to recognize it even if they did stumble across it while out at a restaurant. One of my favorite blog watchdogs reminded me, though. In the comments section, Cat Scratch Feeder wrote:

I can tell you all about smoked salmon and the variations, but can you explain just exactly what constitutes a "Green Chile" and how it's prepared? Is it a dish, a sauce, soup or a topping? I got a feeling it's all that. Is it a roasted green chile salsa, Chile Verde with big pork chunks, or Caldillo-Green chile Stew/soup with bits of pork and pork stock, or Pozole?

Tomatillos, yes or no?

Anaheims, Poblanos, Big Jim's?

Are certain woods best for roasting?

What spices are used?

Help an Oysterhead out with the chile nuance.

It would be my pleasure, Scratch. Let me take your queries one at a time.

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