Showing off your coffee knowledge will fail to impress her.

​His pseudonym is Egon, he works at Starbucks, and if you were to sum up his mantra, this headline would be it. Unfortunately, most people are totally unaware that this is how Starbucks' baristas really feel.

But Egon is pissed--so pissed he decided to share some mince-free advice with our sister paper in Phoenix. Some of the choicer nuggets?

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This woman just got the news that Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi.

​Starbucks just announced they're going to start offering free Wi-Fi in all American stores. Last we checked, the concept of offering free, on-premises Wi-Fi is one that Starbucks has been beaten to the punch on by such ultra high-tech businesses as the Blue Moon Tavern. If Starbucks wanted to start handing out free laptops to customers with the purchase of venti drinks, that'd be something. Not that free Wi-Fi isn't technically something, it's just kind of like Brother announcing that all the word processors they sold back in the '90s can now be retrofitted to access the Internet.

In other words, this maneuver, while welcome, will hardly earn Howard Schultz's franchise a spot on Julien Perry's top coffeehouses to loiter in list.

A steaming cup of soothing chamomile tea would surely calm this naysayer down. Probably.

​Who would've thought that loud, rambunctious, tax-protesting, Obama-hating members of the Tea Party weren't actually prone to sit down and have a cup of tea with actual enthusiasts of hot, herbal liquid and the socialization surrounding it?

We went to the Queen Mary Tea Room in Bryant on one of its busiest days, Sunday, to see if the Tea Party really lives up to its name. As it turns out, an exhaustive survey of the afternoon tea party proved that not a single Tea Party member was in the house.

Instead, bursts of laughter and quick shakes of the head broke out anytime a knowledgeable tea drinker was asked if she was, in fact, a Tea Party member. One patron, after insisting that she had absolutely no ties to the T.P., even went so far as to jokingly exclaim, "Only Seattle Weekly would ask this question!"

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It's doubtful this bold gal would think any cup of tea is too hot.

​Over at the Daily Weekly, Caleb Hannan reports that a Manhattan woman, allegedly not one of the so-narcissistic-and-annoying-they-deserve-death-by-firing-squad stars of The Real Housewives of New York (or New Jersey, or Atlanta, or Orange County--where said housewives are literally orange), is suing Starbucks because her tea was too damn hot.

Writes Hannan: "Zeynep Inanli says that she was served tea that was 'unreasonably hot' at a Manhattan Starbucks. Inanli alleges she suffered second-degree burns and 'great physical pain and mental anguish' as a result of a container she claims wasn't safe.'"

Mental anguish? Isn't tea supposed to sooooooooooooooooothe one's senses? Apparently not in Manhattan. But that could have more to do with simply living in Manhattan. Hang loose[r], bra[-wearer]!

I am a mug snob. There, I said it.

Photo by Alex Tosti

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Coffee snob, no... I mean, I like to think not, but then somebody serves me an americano that tastes like compost slushy and I rethink my self-assessment. But as to whether or not I am a snob with regard to the vessel in which my coffee is delivered there can be no debate. I am. And that's that. Oh well.

This afternoon finds me taking up as much space as is physically possible at Victrola Roastery on Capitol Hill. I have strategically managed to spread all of the resources my writing requires (as well as one or two it does not) in such a way as to barricade 2.7 places at the giant center table into definite "Rose Space." And thus, relieved of any concern that someone might sit next to or near (or on) me (it's happened), I sit and watch people migrate between tables and bar.

For example, at the moment, I'm watching the man on the other side of the room walking his coffee back to his seat -- arms outstretched like Frankenstein, neck locked back, eyes glued to the cup in his hands as he takes baby-steps toward his chair. When will he spill? It's out of the question that he won't.

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Recent commercials have poor Juan Valdez and his trusty mule Conchita running scared from flocks of soccer moms looking for their next fix. So imagine my surprise to run across Juan and Conchita out in front of Westlake Center this morning.

Hola Juan! Tu es muy guapo!

​The commercials do not lie: Juan was indeed attracting a lot of attention from the ladies. Too bad Seattleites aren't better with their Spanish, because Juan looked a little chilly. Perhaps he needed some warming up that a cup of 100% Columbian coffee just can't provide.

At least Schultz can still attend Storm games, although he'd likely get arrested were he to try macking on Lo-Jack again.

​Sherman Alexie has been one of ex-Sonic owner Howard Schultz's loudest critics--when it comes to the Sonics and only the Sonics, that is. As Caleb points out over on the Daily Weekly, Alexie's got nothing against Schultz when it comes to his exploits vis-a-vis Starbucks.

In fact, in a just-released outtake from the documentary Sonicsgate, the Native American author considers the coffee giant to be nothing short of an oasis of egalitarianism for joe drinkers whose skin tones are closer to the color of mocha than milk.

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The odds of seeing a Pakistani rock star pushing a coffee cart through the streets of Seattle before dawn have gotten increasingly slim.

​Filmed on a shoestring budget, the 2006 Sundance entry Man Push Cart told the story of a former Pakistani pop star who, after his wife dies, immigrates to New York City, where he wallows in anonymity. He lives in a one-room apartment, and scrapes by selling coffee and baked goods from a push cart in Mahattan, which he fetches and tows on foot long before the sun comes up. Then things really get depressing; Man Push Cart is a brilliantly executed slice of neo-realism, but it renders the American Dream a nightmare you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

So is it really such a bad thing that the coffee cart is an endangered species in Seattle?

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Meet Howard Schultz's new friend.

​Would you like fries with that? No,we're not kidding. You'll now be able to get French fries, bacon cheeseburgers, and all manner of artery-clogging junk food with your next Starbucks-generated drip coffee. Only not in an actual SBUX store. Nor will it actually be labeled with the green mermaid. As Starbucks Gossip and others are reporting, BK will begin carrying the Starbucks-owned subsidiary brand, Seattle's Best Coffee, at 7,250 restaurants (of about 12,000 in the US). SBC was founded locally in Coupeville in 1970; Starbucks bought the brand in 2003 for $73 million after its Georgia parent company ran into financial trouble. Now SBC is Starbucks' low-cost cousin to it premium brews, a means of extending market share in our current recession. BK will offer the brew "with optional vanilla or mocha flavor and whipped topping, at a suggested retail price of $1 to $2.79," says Starbucks, whose primary customers are accustomed to paying far more for their caffeine.

But, wait, if SBC is coming from the same company roasters, if some customers can't tell the difference, might not the BK deal actually siphon away some of Starbucks' regular patrons...?

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​Cusco (or Cuzco), Peru, one of the main hubs of the Incan Empire, is also the name of a new cafe in Ballard. The converted house looks like a clean, model-home living room, only with extra dining-room tables, free Wi-Fi and a huge TV, placed for the sole purpose of sport. Not sports, sport: soccer.

Cafe Cuzco serves vacuum-press coffee in scientific-looking, hourglass glass pots ($3.50); they produce a coffee that's smooth and clean because unlike French press, there is no sediment. If you're used to French press, though, the coffee resulting from vacuum might seem a little thin to you. Fans of vacuum press laud it for the fact that you can't overextract. Caffeinated nerds are the cutest. On the weekends, the owner serves a short menu of Peruvian specialties (noon until close). Get the huacatay -- a black-mint and queso fresco sauce over potatoes.

Cafe Cuzco, 5701 15th Ave. N.W., open daily 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., BALLARD